The Land of Stories: Gleeful Days Are Here Again
by ChrisCalledMeSweetie
Summary: Chris and Darren once again visit the fairy tale world, this time on a rescue mission to save the Fairy Godfather – with a little help from some Gleeful old friends.
1. Here We Go Again

**The Land of Stories 2: Gleeful Days Are Here Again…**

Summary: Chris and Darren once again visit the fairy tale world, this time on a rescue mission to save the Fairy Godfather – with a little help from some Gleeful old friends.

Story Notes: This is the sequel to _The Land of Stories: Gleefully Ever After_ – for maximum enjoyment and minimum confusion, please read that story first. This story begins three days after that one ends, which means that it is still pre-season 4 of Glee.

Warning: This story contains spoilers for Chris Colfer's brilliant book _The Land of Stories: The Enchantress Returns_. So if you haven't read that yet, go out and buy it right now. And while you're at it, get a copy of the audio book, too – Chris reads it himself, and he does an amazing job with all of the voices. :D

Many thanks to my friend and beta-reader extraordinaire, crisssquared, without whom I would never have finished this story. Any mistakes you find are completely her fault. ;D

 **1\. Prologue: Here We Go Again…**

 _In which there's a little glitch in the "Gleefully ever after"…_

July 30, 2012

Chris sighed with relief as his plane taxied to a stop at LAX. This book tour had been amazing, and he was so thankful for all of the fans who had come out to see him. (Not _Kurt_ , but _him_ – Chris Colfer, New York Times Bestselling Author!) Still, all he'd been able to think about for these last few days in Ohio was getting back home.

The moment he was able to switch his phone back on, Chris checked his messages. Instead of the expected (and embarrassingly longed-for) sound of Darren's voice, he heard a somewhat frantic-sounding Zach Woodlee.

 _"_ _Chris, there's a Mike O'Malley look-alike here, dressed for a Renaissance Faire and calling himself Sir Burt. I was going to call security, but he claims that he knows you, and he insisted that I had to tell you that your Fairy Godfather has been kidnapped by the Enchantress. Which I would just take as the ramblings of a lunatic, but Ryan didn't show up for our meeting yesterday, and nobody's been able to reach him, and I know you've always referred to him as your Fairy Godfather… So am I crazy? Or is this guy crazy? Do you have any idea what's going on? Call me!"_

Chris's blood ran cold. Although he'd begun work on his sequel before _The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell_ had even been published, he had superstitiously avoided discussing it with anyone. Not even Darren knew the identity of the arch-villain he'd been creating as his new title character. Yet here was Sir Burt, invoking her name, along with a plot point Chris had only just started to flesh out.

Well, if the Enchantress really had kidnapped Ryan, then Chris supposed he would have to travel back to the fairy tale world to rescue him. And he knew just who he'd invite to come along…

… To be continued…

 **End Notes:** Here, at last, is the long-awaited sequel I've been promising you. And, as a reward for your patience, you get a one-time-only double-posting today. The next chapter is coming right up. :D


	2. The Real World?

**2\. The Real World?**

 _In which things may or may not be as they seem…_

After listening to the disturbing message from Zach, Chris was relieved to find that his next voicemail was from Darren.

 _"_ _Hey babe. I know you're in flight, and won't get this until you land, but I just had the weirdest conversation with Zach. He said he'd already called you, so I guess you've heard by now that some guy calling himself Sir Burt showed up at the studio. Do you think it's really him? And that Ryan's really been kidnapped? Zach's freaking out, so I promised I'd go over and talk to this guy. I know we planned to meet at your place, but would you mind coming by the studio instead? I can't wait to see you! Call me as soon as you land. I love you."_

Chris smiled as he pocketed his phone. No matter what craziness was going on, the sound of Darren's voice made him feel as though all was right with the world. Even so, he had no intention of engaging in what was sure to be a bizarre conversation until he was in a less public place.

Chris had always been a private person, and in some ways fame had made him even more so. He was acutely aware of his status as a role model to countless kids and teenagers, and he never wanted to behave in a way that would garner negative publicity or let his fans down. The last thing he needed was for someone to overhear (and probably record) him having a conversation in which he sounded as though he'd gone off the deep end because he believed that the fairy tale world he'd created was real.

Chris's desire to keep his private life private was also the reason that he and Darren had arranged to meet up at his house, rather than at the airport. Darren had begged to be allowed to drop him off and come and pick him up after his flight, but Chris had insisted that their farewell and their reunion should take place away from prying eyes, camera phones, and paparazzi.

Once Chris had collected his luggage and located his car in the long-term parking lot, he pulled his phone back out and hit number one on his speed dial. Darren answered almost immediately.

"Hey! You're back! How was your flight?"

Chris let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. "Hi, sweetie," he said, closing his eyes for a moment as he leaned back in his seat and allowed the tension from his book tour to melt away. "It was uneventful — unlike what's been going on here, it sounds like."

Darren chuckled. "You could say that. I just arrived at the studio, and Sir Burt really is here. I wasn't sure how much you wanted to let Zach know, so I sent him out in search of snacks."

"Yeah, that was probably a good idea. The less need for damage control later, the better. But has Ryan really been kidnapped?"

"I'm not sure. Sir Burt seems to be pretty disoriented, which is totally understandable. I gather that he mentioned my name, which is why Zach called me, but now he's insisting that he'll only talk to you. How soon can you get here?"

"I'm in my car now, so if there's no traffic, I could be there in half an hour."

"There's _always_ traffic."

"I know. Wishful thinking. Give me 45 minutes."

"Okay. Drive safe. I love you."

"I love you too, Dare. See you soon."

Chris started the car and eased out of his parking space. Part of his brain was focused on following Darren's instructions and driving safely, but most of his mind was whirling with questions.

 _Had Ryan really been kidnapped by the Enchantress? If so, how had Sir Burt gotten into this world? Wasn't the Fairy Godfather the only one capable of opening a portal between the worlds?_

 _And what were they supposed to do now? Was there any way that he and Darren could get back to the fairy tale world? And even if they did find a way there, how could they rescue Ryan from the Enchantress?_

During their last adventure together, even though all of the people in _The Land of Stories_ had changed into characters from _Glee_ , Chris and Darren had been able to follow the plot he'd written about in _The Wishing Spell_. Chris had only just begun working on the sequel, though, and he hadn't yet figured out exactly how to defeat the Enchantress _._

As he drove, Chris mulled over all of the possible plot points he'd considered including in _The Enchantress Returns_ , wondering which of them (if any) would have made their way into the bizarre mashup of _The Land of Stories_ and _Glee_ that Sir Burt had come from.

The closer he got to his destination, the more anxious Chris became, and he realized that it wasn't only due to worrying about Ryan. He had to admit to himself that he was nervous about seeing Darren, as well.

When the two of them had returned from _The Land of Stories_ , they'd barely had time for a quick kiss goodbye before Chris had to leave on the final leg of his book tour. These past few days — between the three hour time difference and Chris's constant whirlwind of activity — they'd had to content themselves with brief text messages and one hurried phone call. There simply hadn't been time to discuss the _major_ change in their relationship.

Now, Chris found himself doubting whether it had even been real. Maybe he had dreamt the whole thing. In fact, maybe he was still on the plane, dreaming, instead of driving through LA.

Certainly, that scenario was more plausible than the version he remembered, in which he and Darren had been transported into a fairy tale world where they'd fallen in love. _Had_ it all been a dream? Or a hallucination, brought on by fatigue and stress from his book tour?

When he finally reached the Paramount Studios lot, Chris parked in his usual spot and simply sat, not yet ready to leave the safety of his car. Taking a deep breath, he began to sing:

 _I don't know why I'm frightened_

 _I know my way around here_

 _The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here..._

 _Yes, a world to rediscover_

 _But I'm not in any hurry_

 _And I need a moment_

 _The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways_

 _The atmosphere is thrilling here as always_

 _Feel the early morning madness_

 _Feel the magic in the making_

 _Why, everything's as if we never said goodbye_

Picturing Darren, and everything he hoped they really had experienced together, he continued:

 _I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist you_

 _I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you_

 _Missed the fairy tale adventure_

 _In this ever spinning playground_

 _We were young together_

 _I'm coming out of make-up_

 _The lights already burning_

 _Not long until the cameras will start turning..._

 _And the early morning madness_

 _And the magic in the making_

 _Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye_

Acknowledging that the words to this song were more true for him now than they ever had been before, Chris launched into the bridge:

 _I don't want to be alone_

 _That's all in the past_

 _This world's waited long enough_

 _I've come home at last!_

 _And this time will be bigger_

 _And brighter than we knew it_

 _So watch me fly, we all know I can do it..._

 _Could I stop my hand from shaking?_

 _Has there ever been a moment_

 _With so much to live for?_

 _The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways_

 _So much to say not just today but always..._

 _We'll have early morning madness_

 _We'll have magic in the making_

 _Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye_

 _Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye..._

 _We taught the world new ways to dream!_

With a final deep breath, Chris steeled his resolve and set off to find out the truth.

 **End Notes:** This is the first story for which I've had a beta-reader (the lovely and multi-talented crisssquared) and is also the first multi-chapter fic that I've completed before beginning to post, which means that I'll be able to update on a regular schedule, every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. In the past, I've always relied on reviews to motivate me to keep writing, and even though this story is finished, I'm still counting on your reviews to inspire me to work on the "Threequel." Plus, your feedback just makes me so happy. So if you're enjoying this story, please take a moment to let me know. Thanks!


	3. Another Curse - Much, Much Worse

**3\. Another Curse — Much, Much Worse**

 _In which the Enchantress sure knows how to put a damper on things…_

Determined to discover what was really happening, Chris headed for Zach's dance studio. On the way, he ran into Zach himself, laden down with enough snacks to feed an army - or, at least, the leader of an army from the fairytale world.

"Chris!" Zach called out, sounding relieved. "You're here! What's going on?"

Chris sighed. He realized that he should have spent part of the drive formulating a plausible cover story to use with Zach, but it was too late now, and he was too jet-lagged to think on his feet.

"I'm not sure," he replied honestly. "Why don't you let me talk to this guy and see what I can find out."

They made their way to the studio together. Chris held the door open to allow Zach, whose arms were full, to pass through ahead of him. Before Zach could step across the threshold, however, he was nearly bowled over by a curly-headed blur streaking past him.

"Chris!" Darren cried, swooping him into a bone-crushing hug and spinning him around.

Any remaining doubts Chris may have had about whether he'd simply been imagining their romantic relationship were immediately put to rest as Darren drew back from the hug just enough to place both hands on Chris's face and pull him in for a kiss.

A wolf-whistle from Zach reminded Chris that they weren't alone. Reluctantly, he broke away from the kiss, feeling his cheeks flush with a combination of embarrassment and the lingering heat from Darren's hands.

"Awww… You two are adorable," Zach cooed, wrists crossed up under his chin in a way that would certainly give Chris and Darren a run for their money in a 'who's more adorable?' contest.

Sir Burt cleared his throat, looking pointedly at Chris. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is an emergency. The Fairy Godfather has been kidnapped by the Enchantress, and Mother Goose sent me here to persuade you to rescue him."

"Mother Goose?" Darren blurted. "Cool! Is she really a talking goose?"

Chris was about to explain to him that the Mother Goose in his story was an old woman who got that nickname because she rode around on her giant pet goose, but Sir Burt responded with a snort.

"I wish! Everyone calls her Mother Goose because once she's knocked back a couple of drinks, she starts pinching buttocks left and right."

Darren was clearly even more delighted with this version of 'reality' than he'd been with the idea of an actual talking goose. He let out a bark of laughter. "Man, I can't wait to meet her!"

"Well, you won't have to wait long. She should be arriving any minute."

No sooner had Sir Burt finished speaking than Mother Goose herself literally _popped_ into the room. Given Sir Burt's description — and the fact that every character from his _Land of Stories_ books seemed to have been mashed-up with a corresponding character from _Glee_ — Chris wasn't surprised to see April Rhodes standing (unsteadily) in front of them.

"Well hello there, Sir Burtie. Have you been gettin' down and dirty?"

Trying valiantly to maintain his dignity in the face of April's lascivious wink, Sir Burt responded, "I've been engaged in the mission you set for me."

"I see that you've found Darren and Chris. Did you tell them about the accursed kiss?"

"I haven't had a chance yet. Chris just got here, and I was about to fill him in when you arrived."

April's attention was suddenly caught by Zach, who was standing off to one side, looking shell-shocked.

"And who's this cutie over here? I think he's got a mighty fine rear!" she cackled, taking a swig from her flask.

Zach squeaked as she goosed him.

Sir Burt stepped forward and placed one hand on her shoulder. "Mother Goose, do you really think this is an appropriate time to be drinking?"

April's answer was to break out in song:

 _They tried to make me go to rehab_

 _But I said, 'No, no, no'_

 _Yes, I've been black_

 _But when I come back_

 _You'll know, know, know_

 _I ain't got the time_

 _And if my daddy thinks I'm fine_

 _He's tried to make me go to rehab_

 _But I won't go, go, go_

Chris decided it was time to intervene. "Mother Goose, I'd be happy to help in any way I can, but what exactly is it that you want me to do?"

"The land of stories has lost its glee, and only the co-creator can set us free," April slurred.

Chris turned to Sir Burt, wordlessly asking for help in interpreting Mother Goose's drunken rhymes.

"Maybe I'd better start at the beginning," Sir Burt said. "But is there somewhere we could sit down? It's a bit of a long story."

Zach pulled himself together enough to lead them to a room with comfortable chairs and sofas. Chris and Darren plopped down together on a loveseat, fingers intertwined. Sir Burt sat in a chair opposite them. April collapsed onto a sofa, while Zach — keeping a wary eye on her — took a seat in the far corner of the room.

Once everyone was situated, Sir Burt turned to Chris and Darren, and asked, "Are you familiar with the history of the Sleeping Kingdom?"

Chris nodded. "Yes. The Enchantress cursed Sleeping Tina to die when she pricked her finger on a spindle, but the Fairy Godmother —" Noting the confusion on Sir Burt's face, Chris amended, "I mean, the Fairy Godfather, modified the curse so that she only fell into a deep sleep, from which she was awoken by a kiss from Prince Mike Charming."

"That's right. We all expected them to live happily ever after. Of course, everyone thought the Enchantress had been killed long ago by the Evil Queen. But apparently, she's back, and this time, she's targeting our whole world."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it seems that she was furious that her original curse had been broken by a kiss. So now, she's cast another curse, and this one is much, much worse. It started in the Sleeping Kingdom, and at first, people didn't realize what was happening. Ever since your visit to the palace last year —"

(Chris and Darren exchanged a look. Time must be passing differently in the fairytale world, since they'd only been back in this world for three days.)

Sir Burt continued, "King Mike Charming and Queen Sleeping Tina had been following your suggestion — teaching their subjects how to dance to help them stay awake. And it was working splendidly."

"Awesome!" Darren said.

Sir Burt looked grave. "A few weeks ago, though, there was a sudden resurgence of folks sleeping during the day. In the beginning, no one paid much attention. Within a few days, however, half the kingdom had fallen into a deep sleep.

"The royal advisor, Artie, went to speak with the king and queen. As he approached them, he saw them lean together for a kiss. The instant their lips touched, they both fell to the ground, unconscious."

Chris and Darren gasped. Mother Goose snored. Zach sat silently in his corner, mouth hanging slightly open, a dazed look in his eyes.

"Artie rolled his chair over as quickly as he could, and was horrified to find that neither Queen Sleeping Tina nor King Mike had a pulse. However, both of the rulers were still breathing, although faintly. Neither he nor the royal physician, though, could find any way to rouse them.

"Further investigation revealed that all of the victims were in the same condition. After being kissed, they had fallen into an unbreakable sleep, without even their heartbeats remaining. The only hint that they were still alive was a slight whisper of breath.

"Artie was the first to grasp the significance of the situation. The Enchantress had returned, and she'd found the most ironic way to exact her revenge on those who had foiled her original curse.

"Gathering the members of the palace guard who were still conscious, Artie sent them out to warn all of the citizens to avoid kissing. They returned with disturbing reports from the folks who lived near the borders. Unlike the original curse, which only affected the Sleeping Kingdom, this curse seemed to be gradually expanding out to neighboring territories.

"Mounted on their fastest horses, messengers rode out to all of the other kingdoms, sounding the alarm. For the most part, they were able to outrun the spread of the curse, saving countless people from falling victim to it.

"Unfortunately, they were too late in arriving at Quinderella's palace. Princess Beth, now a year old, had awakened in the night and called out for her mother. The queen went to comfort her, and the moment her lips touched her daughter's forehead, the princess fell into a cursed sleep."

"Oh no!" Darren cried.

Chris squeezed his hand, remembering the beautiful infant they'd seen just a few days before, as time was passing in this world, and trying to imagine her a year older.

Looking more closely at Sir Burt, Chris could see the pain in his eyes. He guessed that, as the head guard at Quinderella's palace, Sir Burt must have been close to the princess.

"I feel responsible," Sir Burt said with a sigh. "It is my job to protect the Royal Family, and I have failed in my duty."

Chris tried to comfort him. "Don't blame yourself. There's no way you could have known, and nothing you could have done to prevent this."

"Be that as it may, the princess lies still and unresponsive, the king and queen are devastated, and the entire Charming Kingdom is in despair. I had hoped that the Fairy Godfather could find a way to lift this curse, but when I sought him out, I discovered that he, too, has fallen victim to the Enchantress."

Mother Goose chose this moment to awaken with a start. "Did I hear you mention the Enchantress? Do you know how to clear up this accursed mess?"

Sir Burt turned to her. "I've explained about the curse, but maybe you'd better tell them what happened to the Fairy Godfather, since you're the only one who witnessed it."

"Oh, the Fairy Godfather is such a great guy. What happened to him almost made me cry. The Enchantress snuck up and kissed him, like this —"

As she was speaking, Mother Goose had been gradually making her way toward Zach's corner of the room, and she suddenly grabbed him and pressed her lips to his.

"And of course he collapsed, because of that kiss."

Zach looked as though he was about to collapse, as well.

"The Enchantress just laughed at him there as he lay. Then she scooped up his body and dragged him away."

"Mean people suck," Darren muttered.

"Oh yes, the Enchantress is mean as can be. And that's why we need you to aid us, you see. The Fairy Godfather mentioned, a year ago now, that if _he_ couldn't help us, then _Chris_ would know how. And that's why we've come here, to beg and to plead, that you'll return to assist us, in our time of need."

Darren leapt up from the loveseat. "Of course we'll help!"

Then he glanced down at Chris, who was still seated, looking pensive. "C'mon, Chris, it'll be great! I can't wait to get back to the fairytale world! Didn't we have the _best_ time when we were there?"

When Chris still looked unconvinced, he added, "Plus, we've gotta save Ryan, right?"

"Yes," Chris answered, "but —"

There was no time for Chris to finish his sentence, however. The moment he uttered the word "yes," Mother Goose waved her flask, which seemed to act as a magic wand, opening a portal between the worlds. Darren took a step forward, and suddenly he and Chris were sucked through to another dimension.

 **End Notes:** I posted the previous chapter a couple of hours before the US Supreme Court announced that Blaine finally got his wish - marriage equality in all 50 states. YAY! :D

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on the last chapter. Please let me know what you think of this one. :)


	4. Dynamic Duets

**4\. Dynamic Duets**

 _In which our heroes meet some old friends…_

"Has anyone ever mentioned that you tend to be a bit impulsive?"

"If by 'impulsive' you mean charming, then yes."

Chris rolled his eyes in a combination of exasperation and fondness. "Don't you ever consider looking before you leap?"

"C'mon, Chris, you can't tell me you didn't want to come back here just as much as I did."

"Maybe. But I would have liked to have a chance to think things through, first."

"What's there to think through? This is the happiest place not-on-earth, right? I mean, it's where we fell in love. There's _literally_ magic in the air. What more do you need to know?"

"Well, for starters, where exactly are we? How are we supposed to find the Enchantress, let alone defeat her? And what are we going to do for provisions, since we got whisked away before we had a chance to snag any of those snacks Zach gathered up?"

"Minor details. We're together, and that's all that matters to me. I've missed you like crazy these past three days."

Chris's eyes and tone softened. "I've missed you, too. But that's another reason I'm not thrilled about being here."

"Wha'd'ya mean?"

"Were you paying _any_ attention while Sir Burt and Mother Goose were talking? There's a curse over the entire _Land of Stories_. If we kiss, we'll fall asleep and never wake up."

Darren looked horrified. "Oh my god! I hadn't thought of that! That's terrible! We've gotta go back — now!"

Chris laughed. "Too late, baby. You'll just have to keep your lips to yourself until we can find a way to neutralize the curse."

Darren put on a pouty face. "This is _so_ not fair."

"Come on," Chris cajoled, "it won't be that bad."

He held up their still-linked hands and began to sing:

 _Oh yeah, I'll tell you something_

 _I think you'll understand_

 _When I say that something_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

Darren took the second verse:

 _Oh please, say to me_

 _You'll let me be your man_

 _And please, say to me_

 _You'll let me hold your hand_

 _Now let me hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

Placing their joined hands against Chris's heart in a move reminiscent of Blaine with Kurt in _The First Time_ , Darren continued:

 _And when I touch you I feel happy inside_

 _It's such a feeling that my love_

 _I can't hide_

 _I can't hide_

 _I can't hide_

Chris came back in for the final verse:

 _Yeah, you've got that something_

 _I think you'll understand_

 _When I say that something_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

 _I wanna hold your hand_

Darren smiled into Chris's eyes. "You know, every time you sang that song on tour last summer, it gave me goosebumps."

"Really?"

"Really. And it only took me a year — and a trip to the fairy tale world — to figure out why."

Darren brought their intertwined fingers towards his lips.

"STOP!" shouted a familiar voice. "Don't kiss him!"

Chris jerked his hand away from Darren, suddenly remembering the curse.

"Froggy!" Darren cried. "Thanks, man. You just saved me from screwing things up big time."

Chris turned toward the new arrival. " _Froggy?_ I thought the Fairy Godfather turned you back into Prince Finn. What happened?"

"When the Enchantress put the Fairy Godfather to sleep, all of his magic lost its effect. So I guess I'll be stuck in my amphibian form until someone can rescue him and wake him up."

"I'm sorry, man. That's a bummer," Darren sympathized.

"Actually, I think it's for the best. Rachel — I mean, Queen Red Riding Hood — and I have gotten a lot closer since the last time you were here. The fact that she's kind of repulsed by me in my current form has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, since it means that there's no chance of us getting carried away and accidentally kissing."

"You and Queen Red, huh? How's that working out? I mean, aside from the whole 'her being repulsed by you at the moment' thing?"

"Pretty well, actually. It was hard, at first, 'cause she was still hung up on Blaine for awhile. But since he's been on the run with Kurt Hummelocks all this time, I think she's finally given up on him. A few months ago I moved into her castle, and we've been really happy together. But my current… um, condition… is putting a bit of a strain on our relationship. I just wish there was a way to break this curse."

"Well, that's what we're here for," Darren said enthusiastically. "If anyone can fix this mess, it's Chris. And I am totally on-board to be his sidekick in whatever way he needs. Especially if there are costumes involved!"

Chris shoved him playfully in the shoulder. "Should I start calling you Robin?"

"Ooh, you'd make a sexy Batman!"

"And we all know what went down in that bat-cave…"

Darren laughed, then put on his best Nick Lang impression: "Look, Batman — a dog!"

It only took Chris a split second to remember the next line from Team Starkid's _Holy Musical B man_ : "Quick, Robin — pet it!"

Darren began to sing, "How could it all have been so…"

Chris chimed in with, "Lonesome and hopeless, I know…"

The two continued singing "Dynamic Duet," until they were interrupted by a loud cough, as though someone was trying to clear a frog from his throat.

"Um, guys, could we get back to the part about you saving the Fairy Godfather and lifting the curse?"

"Sorry," Chris replied sheepishly. "I guess we got a little carried away, there. But we're definitely here to help, and I've got a few ideas up my sleeve."

"That's great," Froggy said, sounding relieved. "How about you come back to the castle with me, and we can make a plan."

"Sure."

…

As he walked through the woods with Darren and Froggy, Chris tried to make sense of his reaction to being back in the fairy tale world. It was strange in its lack of strangeness. He kept thinking that he should be feeling disoriented and off-kilter, but instead he felt oddly at home. In fact, it was the past three days on his book tour which seemed remote and unreal, in contrast with his current situation.

Darren swung their linked hands, practically skipping down the path to keep up with Froggy's long-legged stride. Chris grinned at him, and Darren beamed back.

"This place is just as awesome as I remember."

Chris nodded. "Yeah. These may not be the ideal circumstances, but I have to admit that I'm glad to be back."

They soon found themselves at Queen Red Riding Hood's castle. Chris was pleased to note that the wing that had been damaged by the fire during their last visit had been completely rebuilt.

The guards greeted Froggy warmly as they entered the castle. Chris looked around, not surprised to see that there were even more paintings of Rachel ( _I have to remember to call her Queen Red_ , he told himself) lining the walls than ever.

Froggy led Chris and Darren to the Throne Room, where they found the queen practicing scales. She did a double-take when she saw them.

"Oh my! What familiar faces you have. You're Chris and Darren, right? For a moment there, you reminded me of two outlaws, who shall remain forever nameless."

Chris and Darren glanced at each other. On their previous visit, they'd been pleasantly surprised that no one had seemed to pick up on their uncanny resemblance to Kurt and Blaine. They figured the lack of recognition was due to their different clothes and mannerisms, as well as to the fact that they were significantly older than their Glee/TLOS counterparts. If a year had passed in the fairytale world during the three days they'd been gone, though, the age difference might not be so pronounced anymore. Chris hoped there wouldn't be any awkward questions if they did happen to run into Kurt and Blaine this time around.

"It's good to see you again, Queen Red," Darren said, stepping forward. "Your voice is just as lovely as I remembered."

"Why, thank you," Rachel said, ducking her head in false modesty. "It's always so nice to have a discerning audience. Do you have any requests?"

"Actually," Chris said, "as much as we'd love the honor of hearing you sing, we're here on a mission. We're hoping to be able to find a way to rescue the Fairy Godfather and defeat the Enchantress."

"Oh my! What a dreadful curse we've all been living under. And my poor Prince Finn has been cast back into this _most_ unfortunate condition. If there's anything I can do to help, just say the word."

"I was hoping we could look in your library. Something tells me that you may have a book that holds the solution."

Rachel seemed a bit puzzled by this request, but she quickly acquiesced. She led the way through the portrait-lined hallways to the library. As she preceded them through the arched doorway, Chris heard her gasp.

"Oh my! What are _you_ doing here?!"

Following her into the room, Chris and Darren spotted two very familiar faces. Sprawled out together on one of the overstuffed sofas were none other than Kurt and Blaine themselves.

 **End Notes:** Keep those comments coming. :D

If you want to see the Starkid song Chris and Darren were singing in this chapter, check this out: Dynamic Duet - Holy Musical Batman: www dot youtube dot com / watch?v=zchX2h_6INM&feature= youtu dot be&t=34s


	5. The Wand of Wonderment

**5\. The Wand of Wonderment**

 _In which an unlikely alliance is forged…_

"You!" Rachel cried, glaring at Kurt Hummelocks. "What are you doing in my kingdom? What are you doing in my castle? What are you doing in my library?!"

"Good afternoon, Red," Blaine greeted her, charming as ever. "Kurt and I were in the neighborhood, and thought we'd stop by for a visit."

"How did you get in here? Where are my guards?!"

"They're the ones who let us in," Blaine replied, unfazed by Rachel's dramatics. "I grew up with most of them, remember? And we all parted as friends, so I thought you'd be glad to see us."

"Yes, well, apparently you thought wrong."

Kurt gave Red his best bitch glare. "Do you have a problem with us, _Grandma's girl_? I thought after helping me escape, you had changed, but I guess not."

"Well, _I_ thought that helping you would make me feel better, so I suppose we were _both_ mistaken."

Froggy cleared his throat. "Let's keep our eyes on the big picture, here. We've _got_ to find a way to defeat the Enchantress. I'm sorry, but we just don't have time for petty quarrels."

Rachel looked shocked that he'd dared to speak to her that way, but she held her tongue.

Froggy turned to Kurt and Blaine. "Chris might have a plan. If you'd like to help, you're welcome to stay."

"Of course we want to help," Blaine said quickly. "This curse is as hard on us as it is on anyone," he added, casting a longing glance at Kurt's lips.

Kurt nodded vehemently. "Count us in. If the Enchantress comes within range of my sai swords, I'm ready to show her exactly how I feel about not being able to kiss my boyfriend!"

Chris stepped forward. "I appreciate your spirit, but I don't think that violence is going to solve our problem."

"Maybe we should go with the motto 'Make Love, Not War,'" Darren suggested. "We could just kiss the Enchantress, and put her to sleep. After all, we know that it's safe to be the one who does the kissing, so long as you don't get kissed back, since Quinderella didn't fall asleep when she kissed Princess Beth on the forehead."

"I wish it could be that simple," Chris answered. "But the Enchantress must be immune to her own curse. Remember when Mother Goose was telling us about how she put the Fairy Godfather to sleep? She demonstrated by kissing Zach right on the lips. So having his lips touch her obviously had no effect."

"Well, if we can't kill her, and we can't kiss her, what can we do?" Rachel asked irritably.

"The Enchantress has cast an evil spell over the world, and I think only magic will be able to reverse it," Chris predicted.

"You mentioned a book," Froggy reminded him. "Will it give us the counter-curse?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for," Chris admitted, "but I think I'll know it when I see it."

While Rachel stood huffing in the corner, Froggy, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine began searching the shelves for potentially helpful books. Chris glanced at and rejected a dozen titles before Darren handed him a volume that seemed promising.

" _Myths, Legends, and Collecting Spells,_ " Chris read. "There might be something in here that we can use."

Chris sat down on the sofa and opened the book. Darren plopped down next to him, and Kurt and Blaine squeezed in on his other side. Froggy and Rachel stood behind the sofa to peer over his shoulder.

Glancing at the table of contents, Darren pointed excitedly. "Look - there's the Wishing Spell! We know that one worked, so I'll bet the rest of the spells in here will work, too. We just need to pick the one that will undo this curse."

Chris scanned down through the list of chapters until he spotted one that he'd planned on writing about in his sequel. "Here - let's see what it says about the Wand of Wonderment."

Chris flipped to the correct page and began reading aloud. "The Wand of Wonderment can be created by combining the six most prized possessions of the six most feared and hated people of the past hundred years. Once the wand is complete, whoever wields it will become invincible."

" _Invincible!_ " Kurt said enthusiastically. "I like the sound of that!"

"If you're not invincible already, you could've fooled me," Blaine told him admiringly.

A blush spread over Kurt's cheeks, but he looked pleased. " _You_ conquered my heart a long time ago," he murmured to Blaine. "And I'm tempted to let you slay me with a kiss right now."

Rachel let out a disgusted snort. "Can we _please_ stay focused here? There has never been a _less_ appropriate time for public displays of affection."

Froggy laid a soothing hand on her shoulder. "Let's make a list of the six most feared and hated people, and then we can try to figure out their most prized possessions."

"I'll bet the giant who lived in the castle at the top of my beanstalk was one," Blaine suggested with a shudder.

"I think you're right," Froggy agreed, writing it down in a leather-bound journal.

"The Evil Queen should go on that list," Kurt said. "Even if she did win a place in my heart when she confirmed that you really are my true love," he added quietly to Blaine.

Rachel made a gagging noise.

"What about the Sea Witch, who gave the saber from the deepest sea to the Little Cheermaid?" Darren asked. "She's pretty scary, right?"

"Oh, definitely," Froggy said, adding the Evil Queen and the Sea Witch to his list.

"I'd vote for Quinderella's Wicked Stepmother," Rachel said. "The whole Charming Kingdom still hates her, and she's pretty infamous in the rest of the world, too."

Froggy wrote down 'Wicked Stepmother' and then added 'Snow Queen.' "Even though she's been banished to the mountains, the Snow Queen who used to rule the Northern Kingdom still sends terrible storms that can sometimes be felt across the land. I'm adding her name, so we only need to come up with one more."

Everyone sat silently for a moment, thinking.

Finally Chris spoke. "I hate to be the one to bring it up, but the final name seems pretty obvious. It's gotta be the Enchantress, right?"

Everyone groaned.

"How are we supposed to defeat the Enchantress with a wand that we can only make if we've already defeated her?" Rachel demanded in exasperation.

"We don't necessarily need to _defeat_ her in order to get her most prized possession. We may be able to acquire it through stealth, or trickery," Darren reasoned.

"Whatever it takes," Kurt said. "Count me in."

Blaine squeezed his hand. "Me too."

"You know I'm on board," Froggy said. Then, turning to Rachel, he asked, "What about you, Red? Are you willing to help?"

She sighed. "I don't know if this is going to work."

"Well, we'll never know if we don't try," Chris pointed out. "And working together, we'll have a much better chance than any of us would on our own."

Froggy wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulder and began to sing:

 _Sometimes in our lives_

 _We all have pain_

 _We all have sorrow_

 _But if we are wise_

 _We know that there's_

 _Always tomorrow_

Darren jumped up and slung his arm over Rachel's other shoulder, joining in the song.

 _Lean on me!_

 _When you're not strong_

 _I'll be your friend_

 _I'll help you carry on_

 _For it won't be long_

 _'Til I'm gonna need_

 _Somebody to lean on_

Kurt surprised everyone by turning to Rachel and singing the next verse.

 _Please!_

 _Swallow your pride_

 _If I have things_

 _You need to borrow_

 _For no one can fill_

 _Those of your needs_

 _That you wont let show_

Blaine rose from the sofa, pulling Kurt into an impromptu dance as he sang the next part.

 _So just call on me brother_

 _When you need a hand_

 _We all need somebody to lean on!_

 _I just might have a problem_

 _That you'll understand_

 _We all need somebody to lean on!_

Letting go of Rachel, Darren grabbed Chris by the hand and swung him into the dance. Laughing, Chris joined in the singing.

 _Lean on me!_

 _When you're not strong_

 _I'll be your friend_

 _I'll help you carry on_

 _For it won't be long_

 _'Til I'm gonna need_

 _Somebody to lean on_

No one — not even a mash-up of Queen Red Riding Hood and Rachel Berry — could possibly resist the energy in the room. She put aside her conflicted feelings and began to sing along.

 _You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand_

 _We all need somebody to lean on_

 _I just might have a problem that you'll understand_

 _We all need somebody to lean on_

Froggy beamed at her, singing:

 _If there is a load_

 _You have to bear_

 _That you can't carry_

 _I'm right up the road_

 _I'll share your load_

 _If you just call me_

The six unlikely allies threw their bodies into dancing and their voices into singing the rest of the song together.

 _Call me (If you need a friend)_

 _Call me (Call me, uh-huh)_

 _Call me (When you need a friend)_

 _Call me (If you ever need a friend)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (If you need a friend)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me (Call me)_

 _Call me…_

 **End Notes:** Want to see this author smile? You know what to do… :)


	6. Of Flying Ships, etc

**6\. Of Flying Ships, Sealing Wax, Cabbages, and Kings**

 _In which pigs don't have wings, but at least one of them might know how to fly…_

After Queen Red got over her initial resistance to the idea of entertaining houseguests (two of them in particular) she proved herself to be a gracious hostess. She called for servants to show Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine to the lavishly appointed guest wing of the castle, and even managed to bite back her obvious disapproval when they assured her that only two rooms would be required, rather than the four she'd planned on.

Chris — suffering from the combined effects of jet lag and inter-dimensional travel — flopped down gratefully on the featherbed he and Darren would be sharing. Looking up at the man who had so recently become something more than a friend, Chris let out a long breath.

"You okay?" Darren asked.

"Yeah, just exhausted. I'll be fine once I get some sleep."

"Well, that's what beds are for," Darren smiled. "Among other things…" he added with a wink.

Chris kicked him half-heartedly. " _Other things_ are going to have to wait. Even if I wasn't totally jet-lagged, you _do_ remember the curse, right?"

"Yeah, yeah — no kissing — I know," Darren grumbled.

"But we can still cuddle," Chris offered.

Darren perked up at that. "Yay!" he cheered, quickly stripping down to his boxer-briefs.

"You'd better be the little spoon," Chris told him, "so you don't forget about the curse in the middle of the night and inadvertently start kissing the back of my neck."

Darren huffed. "What — the back of _my_ neck isn't tempting enough to kiss?"

"Sweetie, I'm so tired my lips can barely even manage to have this conversation right now, let alone do anything else. Just c'mere."

He pulled Darren's back against his chest, wrapping him tightly in his arms. Nuzzling into his boyfriend's ( _Oh My God!_ Chris thought, _Darren's actually my boyfriend!_ ) soft curls, he murmured, "And for the record, your neck is _very_ tempting. But as good as sleeping forever might sound to _me_ at the moment, it's certainly not something I want _you_ to do, so I'm going to exercise my vast stores of willpower and keep my lips to myself."

Chris felt more than heard Darren's chuckle. "G'night, Chris. I love you."

"I love you, too."

…

Chris awoke to the sound of singing.

 _Good day sunshine_

 _Good day sunshine_

 _Good day sunshine_

Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Chris saw that Darren was already up, dancing around the room.

 _I need to laugh_

 _And when the sun is out_

 _I've got something I can laugh about_

 _I feel good_

 _In a special way_

 _I'm in love and it's a sunny day_

As soon as Darren noticed that Chris was awake, he flung himself down on the bed and sang the chorus directly to him.

 _Good day sunshine_

 _Good day sunshine_

 _Good day sunshine_

Chris laughed. "Well, good day to you, too, sunshine."

"Man, I slept _so_ well. I know you're the only one who admitted to being exhausted last night, but honestly, I was dead tired, too. I barely slept the whole time you were gone. I guess I got so used to cuddling up together the last time we were here that I forgot how to sleep alone. And I hope I never have to remember."

Chris stretched experimentally. "I slept surprisingly well, too. I'm not sure whether it's you, or this place, or some combination of the two, but I never feel as refreshed waking up at home as I do here."

Darren leapt from the bed, pulling Chris with him. "It's a good thing we're both so well-rested, 'cause it sounds like we're gonna have to bring our A-game to defeat the Enchantress."

"Yeah," Chris agreed, sobering slightly. "Ryan is counting on us."

"Oh, right — Ryan. I guess rescuing him is important, too. But mostly I just want to stop this curse so I can kiss you again."

Chris shoved him playfully in the shoulder. "I'm gonna tell him you said that."

Darren paled a bit. "No, don't! You know I was just kidding. Sort of…"

"Who's afraid of the big, bad Ryan?" Chris teased.

"Hey!" Darren objected. "It's easy for you. Everyone knows you're his favorite. But the rest of us have to stay on our toes if we don't want to be written out of the show."

"Come on. You know Ryan loves you. And even if he didn't, he's too savvy to let go of one of his most popular characters, not to mention one of his biggest money-makers on iTunes."

Darren looked embarrassed, the way he still sometimes inexplicably got when he was reminded of the fact that he wasn't just some goofy kid with videos on youtube anymore. He hastily changed the subject.

"Let's go see what's for breakfast. I'm starving."

Chris and Darren put on the clothes they'd been wearing the day before, and went in search of something to eat. Delicious aromas wafting down the hallway led them to the breakfast room, where Queen Red, Froggy, Kurt, and Blaine were already seated around a table piled high with food.

After a hasty round of 'good morning's, everyone began to eat. For a few minutes, the only sounds to be heard were the clattering of silverware on dishes and the pleased _mmmmm_ 's of those assembled.

Darren, though (never one to be constrained by mundane rules like _don't talk with your mouth full_ ) soon broached the subject on everyone's minds. "So, let's figure out the most prized possessions of the six most feared and hated people in the world, so we can go out and track them down. Any ideas?"

Rachel swallowed her eggs before replying. "Everyone knows that the Snow Queen's most prized possession is her scepter. It's the source of her magical power over the weather."

"And the Mirror of True Love is what the Evil Queen treasured the most," Kurt reminded them.

"Okay, what else?"

"I'm not sure what the giant's most prized possession was," Blaine admitted. "But it shouldn't be too hard to discover. After all, there wasn't a whole lot in that castle. If we go back and look around, I'm sure we'll figure it out."

"The Sea Witch has a reputation for loving her jewels," Froggy said. "I don't know whether she has one favorite item, though, or whether we'll just have to take her whole collection."

"Oh, speaking of jewelry, I know exactly what the Wicked Stepmother prizes the most," Rachel offered. "It's her wedding ring. I've heard that she was always waving it under people's noses, showing it off. To her, being married is a woman's ultimate success. That's why she was so dead set on having one of her ugly daughters marry Prince Charming."

"Great," said Darren. "We've got five out of the six. Now we just need to figure out what the Enchantress's most prized possession is."

Chris, who'd been silent until this point, now spoke up. "From what I know of the Enchantress, she values power above everything else. So I think we need to find the source of her power — whether it's something literal or symbolic — and take that from her."

Before anyone could respond, they were interrupted by a servant, carrying two letters on a golden tray. "Excuse me, Your Majesty," she said, bowing low to Queen Red Riding Hood. "These were brought by runners in the night, and I thought I should deliver them as soon as possible."

"Thank you," Rachel said, reaching for the tray.

With an apologetic smile, the servant passed it to Froggy, instead. "I'm sorry, My Queen, but they're addressed to Prince Charming."

Froggy picked up the letters, and the servant hurried away.

"Who are they from?" Rachel asked.

Froggy turned over the letters and held them up to show the sealing wax, imprinted with the insignias of the Northern Kingdom and the Charming Kingdom. "They're from my brothers."

The others looked on curiously as Froggy opened the letters and quickly read each one. "King Sam wrote to tell me that he and Queen Snow White are en route to the Charming Kingdom to provide what support they can during this terrible time, and to encourage me to join them. But King Puck's letter says that news of our mission has already reached him and Queen Quinderella, and that they are in agreement that the best thing for me to do is to aid in defeating the Enchantress, ending the curse, and restoring Princess Beth to them."

The others nodded in solemn agreement. Until then, they hadn't really considered the fact that Froggy's niece was one of the victims of the curse. It made them even more determined to prevail against the Enchantress.

"Alright," Darren said bracingly. "We're pretty sure what we need to collect, and where the items are. Now we just need a plan for how to get them. I know my understanding of geography isn't the best, but it sounds like we'll be traveling from one end of the world to the other."

"That's right," said Froggy. "And some of the places we're going will be hard to reach. There are no roads over the northern mountains, and certainly none leading to the Sea Witch's lair, either."

"I have an idea," Chris offered. "It may sound unconventional, but I believe it will work. If we fashion a hot air balloon, with a ship suspended underneath, we could use it to float over the mountains and sail across the sea. Plus, if we travel at night, we can reach our more centrally located destinations without drawing undue attention to ourselves."

"Not drawing too much attention to ourselves would be wise, especially since two of us are wanted fugitives," Kurt said, winking at Blaine. "And a flying ship is an interesting idea. But how could we possibly build something like that?"

"Oh, I know someone who can build _anything_ ," Red said. "The Third Little Pig. He's the best builder in the kingdom — probably the best in the world. And he owes me a favor. I'm sure I can convince him to build it for us."

"The time has come," Darren said, "to talk of many things. Of flying ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings."

Everyone present stared at him as though he'd just sprouted another head.

"You _do_ realize that no one here has ever heard of Lewis Carol, let alone read _Through the Looking-Glass_ , right?" Chris asked. "They all just think you're insane. And what do cabbages have to do with anything?"

"They're in case we run into any two-headed Orgs on our journey. You know — _to dispose of a two-headed Org, jump up and down three times, roll a head of cabbage, and giggle_."

Chris gave him a look that said he was beginning to agree with the general consensus on Darren's sanity — or lack thereof.

"Don't tell me you've never seen that episode of _The Monkees_."

"Darren, I've never seen _any_ episode of _The Monkees_. That show went off the air twenty years before I was born."

"Oh my god — as soon as we get back, we have got to watch the entire series. You'll love it!"

Chris rolled his eyes. "Fine. But for now, let's get back to our regularly scheduled program — defeating the Enchantress."

"Here, here!" Kurt and Blaine cried, clinking their glasses together.

"Yes — to defeating the Enchantress," Froggy toasted.

They all raised their glasses. "To defeating the Enchantress!"

 **End Notes:** For your continued entertainment:

The Beatles — "Good Day Sunshine" — with lovely nature photos and cute animals: youtube dot com / watch?v=CWsXs2_7yg8

The Monkees, explaining how to dispose of a two-headed Org: youtu dot be / CwxvBXnzgHY?t=7m31s

Lewis Carol — "The Walrus and the Carpenter," from _Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There_ — www dot jabberwocky dot com /carroll/walrus dot html

And for _my_ continued entertainment, please take a moment to write me a review. Thanks! :D


	7. Stoner Brett's Magic Beans

**7\. Stoner Brett's Magic Beans**

 _In which there are happy trails…_

"While we're waiting for the Third Little Pig to build us a flying ship, Kurt and I can climb my beanstalk and retrieve the giant's most prized possession," Blaine suggested. "Would anyone like to join us?"

"Oh, definitely!" Darren exclaimed. "Are you in, Chris?"

"Sure — sounds fun."

"Oh my. There's no need to go rushing off," Rachel sputtered. "I'm sure it won't take long to get the flying ship built, and then you can just float up there. That'll be much easier."

"Unfortunately, that won't work," Blaine explained. "The beanstalk is what summons the giant's castle."

"Oh my. I didn't know. I, uh, kind of had the beanstalk removed."

" _Removed?_ Why?"

"Well, if you must know, after you ran off with Kurt Hummelocks, I didn't want to see it looming over me as a constant reminder of what we'd once had."

"What you'd once _had_?!" Kurt snapped. "What _you_ had was a ridiculous crush on _my_ boyfriend that caused you to act like a sociopath!"

Blaine placed a calming hand on Kurt's back. "It's okay. We'll just need to track down Stoner Brett and get some more magic beans."

"But isn't Stoner Brett being held prisoner in the Troll and Goblin Territory?" Chris asked.

"No," Blaine said with a laugh. "King Karofsky kicked him out after he caught him trying to get Princess Trollbecky high."

"Blaine and I have run into him a few times on our travels through the Dwarf Forests," Kurt added. "He shouldn't be too hard to find."

"I'm sure it won't be as exciting as climbing the beanstalk, but you're still welcome to join us, if you'd like," Blaine offered, smiling at Darren and Chris.

Given a choice between hanging around the castle with a peevish Rachel, or going off on an adventure with Kurt and Blaine, neither one of them hesitated for a moment. "We'd love to!"

The four of them made their way down to the stables. Chris immediately recognized Rum Chocolate Soufflé, the gorgeous buckskin mare that he'd last seen Kurt and Blaine galloping away on together. She nickered as they approached.

"Hello, girl," Kurt greeted her, holding out a sugar cube.

A large black Friesian stallion in the adjacent stall neighed loudly. He thrust his head over the rails, clearly demanding a sugar cube of his own.

"Don't worry, Adrenaline," Blaine reassured him. "I've got one for you, too."

The stallion whinnied in reply before gently taking the treat from Blaine's hand. He chomped happily for a moment before uttering another loud neigh.

"Adrenaline's very vocal," Blaine chuckled. "But he's a real sweetheart. He showed up out of the blue shortly after you left, and he and Rum Chocolate Soufflé have been inseparable ever since."

Chris and Darren exchanged an amused glance at that. They stood by and watched as Kurt and Blaine groomed and bridled the two horses.

"Do you know how to ride?" Chris whispered to Darren.

"Yeah. How about you?"

"Well, I've done it a few times, but I wouldn't say I've got a lot of experience. You'd better sit in front and control the reins, and I'll just hang on and come along for the ride."

Although they'd been speaking quietly, Blaine had evidently overheard their conversation. "You've got nothing to worry about," he assured them. "Adrenaline and Rum Chocolate Soufflé are practically joined at the hip. He'll follow wherever she leads, so you can both relax and enjoy yourselves."

Kurt and Blaine led the horses out into the morning sunshine. Blaine held Adrenaline steady as Kurt cupped his hands to give first Darren and then Chris a leg up. The stallion neighed loudly, causing his body to shake in a way that Chris found quite disconcerting. He wrapped his arms tightly around Darren's waist.

Noticing Chris's obvious distress, Kurt turned to Rum Chocolate Soufflé. "Tell your boyfriend to behave himself."

The mare pinned her ears back and gave Adrenaline a _you'd better settle down this instant if you know what's good for you_ look. Adrenaline immediately quieted, lowering his head and putting on a docile expression.

Darren laughed. "He sure knows who's boss."

"Smart guys always do," Blaine said ruefully.

Kurt gave him a playful slap on the ass. "Okay, smart guy. Let's get this show on the road."

With one fluid motion, Kurt swung himself onto his horse's back. Blaine leapt up behind him, and they set off at a walk, heading west, toward the Dwarf Forests.

As they came to a crossroad, Blaine suggested, "Let's take a detour past Little Miss Muffet's house."

Kurt giggled, "Oh, good idea."

Chris and Darren shot them curious looks.

"Don't worry, this will won't take long," Kurt said slyly.

They soon came to a storybook cottage. Kurt guided Rum Chocolate Soufflé along the side wall, reaching down and snatching a pan from the window sill. Then he urged his horse into a gallop, and they shot away from the scene of the crime.

Chris clung tightly to Darren as Adrenaline matched Rum Chocolate Soufflé stride for stride. He laughed with exhilaration.

A few minutes later, when the horses slowed back down to a walk, Darren asked, "So, what's in the pan?"

"Brownies," Kurt answered.

"But not just any brownies," Blaine explained. "These are the 'special' brownies that Little Miss Muffet uses medicinally to treat her arachnophobia. I figure we can trade them to Stoner Brett for some magic beans."

"Cool."

…

By noon, the four travelers had passed through the western gate in the wall surrounding the Red Riding Hood Kingdom, and were deep in the Dwarf Forests. Bringing their horses to a stop next to a brook in a small clearing, they dismounted and allowed them to drink.

"This looks like a good place for a picnic," Kurt said, sitting down on the trunk of a fallen tree.

The others joined him, and Blaine produced apples, cheese, and a fresh loaf of bread. Chris and Darren smiled at each other, as both remembered sharing a similar meal in a similar spot the first time they'd ever met Kurt Hummelocks.

"So," Darren asked with his mouth full, "how are you two enjoying being on the run together?"

"It's amazing!" Blaine gushed. "All of those years, when Kurt was out there on his own, I couldn't stop worrying about the terrible things that could happen to him. But now that I've seen him in action, my only concern is for any person or creature foolish enough to get in his way."

Kurt blushed, but didn't contradict his boyfriend. "Well, Blaine's taken to the life of an outlaw like a cheermaid to water," he said proudly. "We make a perfect team."

"That we do," Blaine agreed, giving Kurt his best heart-eyes before laying his head on his shoulder.

"What about you two?" Kurt asked. "What have you been up to in the year since we last saw you?"

Chris hesitated for a moment, wondering whether to explain that only a few days had passed in their world during that year. He was saved the trouble of deciding when Darren spoke up.

"Well, we did finally figure out that we're meant to be together," Darren said, turning his own heart-eyes on Chris.

"Yeah," Chris agreed. "Thank you both for helping us see that."

"I think you two were the only ones who didn't see it immediately. It was pretty obvious."

"Yeah, well, I've been told I can be kinda oblivious at times," Darren mumbled around another mouthful of food.

"And you have no table manners," Chris chastised, bumping their shoulders together playfully.

"But you love me anyway."

"Yes. Yes, I do."

…

An hour later, well-fed and well-rested, the two couples were back on their horses, riding through the Dwarf Forests at an easy canter. Chris allowed himself to relax into Adrenaline's rocking-horse gait, appreciating the stallion's wide, flat back. His arms were still wrapped tightly around Darren, but no longer for any reason other than the pleasure of the contact.

"Do you smell that?" Darren asked after awhile.

Chris took a deep breath. There was a faint but unmistakable pungent smoke in the air. The scent became heavier and more cloying as they continued forward.

Rounding a bend, they came upon the source of the smoke. Stoner Brett was sitting with his back against a tree and a joint between his fingers. A thick blue-gray cloud surrounded him.

Kurt reined Rum Chocolate Soufflé to a halt, and Adrenaline stopped neatly beside her. The four riders slid to the ground.

Stoner Brett cocked his head like a dog confused by an unexpected sound. "Wow… It's like I'm seeing double. This must be some good shit…"

"Hey, Brett," Blaine greeted him. "How's it going?"

"Hey, man," he said slowly. "Are you here, or am I there?"

"Oh, we're all here," Kurt assured him.

"Trippy…"

"Hi, Brett," Chris said. "Do you remember me and Darren? You helped us escape from the Troll and Goblin Territory last year. We really appreciated it."

"Oh, man - those trolls and goblins sure knew how to party. Who'duh thunk King Karofsky would be so uptight about his daughter?"

"Yeah," Darren commiserated. "We heard he kicked you out. Bummer."

" _Major_ bummer."

"Well, we brought something to cheer you up," Kurt offered. "We've got a whole pan of Little Miss Muffet's special brownies, freshly baked."

Stoner Brett giggled. "You said baked… Man, am I baked already… But I could definitely go for some of those brownies."

"We were hoping you'd be willing to trade us some magic beans for them," Blaine said.

"Magic beans… Magic beans…" Stoner Brett repeated, getting unsteadily to his feet and beginning to rummage around in the dilapidated wagon he'd left parked half-on and half-off the path. "I know I have some magic beans around here somewhere. Let's see… Magic hat… Magic mushrooms… Oh — here — magic beans!"

Stoner Brett triumphantly held up a small black bag. He stumbled over to Blaine and passed it to him.

Blaine looked inside, and was evidently pleased by what he saw. "Thanks."

"No problemo."

Kurt handed over the pan of brownies. Stoner Brett's eyes may have lit up at the sight, although it was hard to tell through the thick smoke.

"Thanks, man. Do you guys wanna stick around and share them with me?"

"We'd better not," Blaine told him. "We still have a long ride ahead of us."

"Okay," Stoner Brett said, as he took a huge bite from one of the brownies. "Happy trails…"

As the other four re-mounted their horses and rode away, Stoner Brett slowly waved the splayed fingers of one hand in front of his eyes, repeating, "Happy trails… happy trails… happy trails…"

 **End Notes:** Today's the day! I'm just waiting for Target to open so I can go out and buy their special edition (with a bonus chapter) of TLOS4. The Barnes and Noble special edition (with a different bonus chapter) is already on it's way via UPS. Then I'll get a third (standard version) copy of the book, plus the audiobook, when I go to Chris's book signing. Not that I'm obsessed, or anything… ;D


	8. Misunderstandings

**8\. Misunderstandings**

 _In which plans are laid (but nothing else is)…_

The ride back to Queen Red Riding Hood's castle was uneventful, which proved to be a bit of a problem for Chris. With nothing to distract him, he found himself increasingly aware of the way in which he and Darren were rocking together with each stride Adrenaline took. He might have enjoyed it — after all, now that he knew that Darren felt the same way about him that he felt about Darren, he didn't have to be ashamed of his body's natural reactions — but the Enchantress's wretched curse meant that he still needed to hold himself in check.

Darren seemed to have a somewhat different take on the situation, though. Once they'd gotten the horses settled in the stables, and Kurt and Blaine had gone off together to plant the magic beans, he grabbed Chris's hand and practically dragged him back to their room.

The moment the door was closed, Darren crowded Chris up against it, resolutely turning his head to the side to avoid the temptation of having his lips too near Chris's neck. He reached one hand up to tangle in Chris's hair, while the other slid down to his ass, pulling their hips together.

Chris let out an embarrassing whimper as he pushed him away. "Darren — wait — the curse."

"I know, I know. I'm keeping my lips to myself. But the curse doesn't affect any other parts of our bodies, right?" Darren panted. "I've been waiting all afternoon to get you alone."

"Darren, stop," Chris said firmly, planting a hand on his chest and holding him at arm's length.

At the seriousness of Chris's tone, Darren's face fell. He raised both hands, backing away so quickly he nearly tripped over his own feet.

"Oh my god — I'm _so_ sorry — I read this totally wrong. Oh my god — _please_ don't hate me! I can't believe I did that. Blame it on a contact high from Stoner Brett. I'm _so_ sorry…"

"Dare, honey, calm down — you're babbling."

"I'm _so_ sorry," Darren repeated, clearly dismayed. "You _have_ to know I would never force myself on you. I know we never talked about it, but I just assumed… And obviously made a _huge_ ass out of myself in the process. I'm really, _really_ sorry. _Please_ don't be mad at me."

Chris couldn't help it — he burst out laughing. "Yes, you've got a huge ass," he smirked, stepping forward and giving it a slap, "but I'm not mad at you."

Darren nearly collapsed with relief. "You're not?"

"Not even a little bit," Chris assured him, stepping forward and wrapping him in a tight hug. "But I do think we should talk."

"That sounds ominous…"

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad. It's just that this is the first time we've really had a chance to be alone together since things shifted between us, and I think we should talk about what we want out of this relationship, to make sure we're on the same page here."

"Okay…" Darren said hesitantly. "Well, you know I love you, and want to be with you. And, uh, I find you insanely hot, but, uh, if you're not interested in a physical relationship, uh, I totally respect that…"

Darren's hands were clutching reflexively at Chris's back as he spoke, and Chris could feel him trembling slightly. Taking a step back, Chris brought both hands to Darren's shoulders.

"Sweetie, look at me," he said gently. When Darren met his eyes, he asked, "Do you remember the first time we really kissed?"

"Of course I do. It was magical."

"That's how I want all of our first times to be. Magical."

Darren made a pleased hum of agreement.

Chris continued, "I am _definitely_ interested in a physical relationship with you. But I want it to be special. I want to be able to kiss you. I want to be able to let myself _go_ and just _be_ with you, without worrying that one of us is going to slip up and let our lips wander in the heat of the moment. Once we've found a way to break this curse, I am going to be all over you. But until then, I think we should avoid temptation by keeping things between us as platonic as possible."

Darren sighed. "You're right, as always. But we can still cuddle, right?"

"I don't see why not. We cuddled all the time when we were just friends. We'll just have to be extra careful not to get carried away."

"It's a deal."

Chris sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Darren down beside him. "C'mere."

They barely had any time for cuddling, though, before a gong sounded to announce dinner. Chris gave Darren one last squeeze, then took his hand to lead him down to the dining room. On the way, they ran into Kurt and Blaine, and the four made their way together through the halls.

"Did you get the magic beans planted?" Chris asked.

"Yes. I put them right where my old beanstalk was," Blaine answered. "I've got Unique keeping an eye on the spot for me, to make sure no one disturbs them."

"Ooh," Darren said. "I'd almost forgotten about Unique. She's the magic harp, right? How's she doing?"

"I think she's lonely, and I'm feeling a little guilty about that," Blaine admitted. "Ever since Kurt and I have been on the run together, she's been all by herself in that house."

"I think she's fine," Kurt said bracingly. "She was singing and playing up a storm when we arrived, and she started singing again the moment we turned to leave. She knows how to keep herself entertained."

By this point, they'd reached the dining room, where Froggy and Rachel were already seated at the table.

"Good news," Rachel said as they sat down. "The flying ship should be ready by tomorrow evening."

"So soon? How is that possible?" Chris asked, amazed.

"Well, there are _some_ benefits to being queen. I simply requested that all of my subjects pitch in to help. The Third Little Pig is supervising construction of the ship, and my granny and the Old Woman Who Lives in the Shoe have all of their friends working on sewing the balloon and the sails."

"That's fantastic," Darren said. "I can't wait to see it."

"Yes, I think you'll be quite impressed. I had the Third Little Pig make two separate decks, so there will be plenty of space for all of my things."

"All of your things?" Kurt asked, suspiciously. "Why would your things need to be on our flying ship?"

"Well, you certainly can't expect me to travel light. A queen has to keep up certain appearances, after all."

Everyone stared at her incredulously.

"Uh, Red, we didn't expect you to come with us," Blaine said, speaking for everyone present.

"Why not? I want this curse ended as much as anyone else does."

"But this journey will be dangerous," Froggy explained. "There's no need for you to risk it. Haven't you always said that you'd rather stay at home and be pampered than go out looking for trouble? Your people need you here, and I don't really think this mission will be suitable for a queen."

Rachel opened her mouth and began to sing:

 _Something has changed within me_

 _Something is not the same_

 _I'm through with playing by the rules_

 _Of someone else's game_

 _Too late for second-guessing_

 _Too late to go back to sleep_

 _It's time to trust my instincts_

 _Close my eyes... and leap!_

 _It's time to try_

 _Defying gravity_

 _I think I'll try_

 _Defying gravity_

 _Kiss me goodbye_

 _I'm defying gravity_

 _And you won't bring me down!_

 _I'm through accepting limits_

 _'Cause someone says they're so_

 _Some things I cannot change_

 _But 'til I try, I'll never know!_

 _Too long I've been afraid of_

 _Losing love, I guess I've lost_

 _Well, if that's love_

 _It comes at much too high a cost!_

 _I'd sooner buy_

 _Defying gravity_

 _Kiss me goodbye_

 _I'm defying gravity_

 _I think I'll try_

 _Defying gravity_

 _And you won't bring me down!_

Kurt looked as though he were about to raise another objection, but Rachel cut him off before he could begin.

" _My_ subjects are building _me_ a flying ship," she said firmly. "And tomorrow evening, when it's finished, I plan on defying gravity and floating away on it. If any of the rest of you would like to come along, I suggest you be a little nicer to me."

Chris looked around at the stunned faces. There was clearly no way to argue with Rachel, so he decided to make the best of the situation.

"Thank you for your generous invitation, Queen Red. I'm sure we'd all be delighted to join you."

There were murmurs of assent — some more enthusiastic than others — from around the table.

"Well, good then," Rachel said, mollified. "Now, everybody eat up. We'll need all of our strength for tomorrow."

"What's the plan?" Darren asked. "Where are we heading first?"

"It will take a couple of days for my beanstalk to reach full height," Blaine said. "Why don't we visit the Snow Queen first, and then come back here and check out the giant's castle."

" _Visit_ the Snow Queen?" Kurt teased. "You make it sound like she's invited us to stop 'round for tea."

"Well, just because we plan on stealing her most prized possession doesn't mean we can't be civilized about this," Blaine bantered back. "Maybe if we bring her some homemade crumpets, she'll just _give_ us her scepter…"

"Now where would the fun be in that?"

…

Later that night, snuggled up together in bed, Darren asked Chris, "So, how much of what's happening here is following what you've written about in your sequel?"

"Not much. I've only written the prologue and the first seven chapters so far, and the twins haven't even made it back to the fairy tale world yet."

"Seriously?" Darren sounded alarmed. "I thought you knew what was going on."

"Well, just because I haven't written the rest of the story doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I know the Enchantress is going to be the villain. But I hadn't considered having her cast a curse where people fall asleep if they kiss. So far, I just had her cover the Sleeping Kingdom in vines and kidnap the twins' mother."

"Their mom? Not the Fairy Godmother?"

"Right. So _this_ Enchantress seems to have a mind of her own. Which is scary."

"But you do know that the Wand of Wonderment will work to defeat her, right? And that this flying ship will really fly? I mean, you said you had a plan."

"I hope so. But you know what they say about the best laid plans…"

"Yeah — unfortunately, they're the only ones getting laid tonight," Darren quipped.

Chris smacked him with a feather pillow. Darren was quick to retaliate, and soon the two were engaged in an all-out pillow fight.

They didn't realize how loud they were being until Kurt suddenly burst into their room, sai swords drawn. He stopped in confusion as he took in the scene: the rumpled bed, the two men clad only in boxer briefs, and the cloud of down filling the air.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt. I thought you were being attacked."

Darren froze mid-swing. "I was. This maniac is trying to beat me to death."

Chris took advantage of Darren's distraction to whack him in the ass with a pillow, releasing another puff of down into the air.

"See?" Darren said, in a mock-aggrieved voice.

Kurt backed slowly out of the room. "I'll just leave you guys to it…"

 **End Notes:** Man, I wish I could get in on that pillow fight…

 **Please review. :D**


	9. Rockin' the Boat

**9\. Rockin' the Boat**

 _In which the quest begins…_

"Chris?"

"Mmmf?"

"Chris!"

Chris struggled into wakefulness to find Darren sitting up in bed, wide-eyed.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I just saw a ghost."

"Hmm… I never thought about writing ghosts into _The Land of Stories_ , but I suppose there could be some. What did it look like?"

"NeNe Leakes. Except kinda transparent."

"Cool. What was she wearing?"

Darren smacked him with one of the half-empty feather pillows left over from their battle the night before. "I tell you I saw a ghost, and _that's_ where your mind goes?"

Chris giggled. "No. I'm just trying to figure out whether it was NeNe, maybe halfway between here and our world, so she looked like a ghost, or whether it was Coach Roz, in which case she might actually _be_ a ghost in this world."

"Oh. Well, she was wearing a fancy gown, like a Disney princess. So I think she belongs here."

"What did she do?"

"She just pointed that way," Darren said, gesturing toward the window where the sun was beginning to rise. "And then she disappeared."

"Huh. I wish I'd seen her. But since she's gone now, let's go back to sleep."

"I don't know if I can."

"Well, how about you just spoon me while _I_ get back to sleep?"

"That I can do."

…

The two were awakened a couple of hours later by the breakfast gong. As they pulled on the same clothes for the third straight day, Chris said, "I'm going to ask Red about finding us something else to wear."

"Good idea."

They hurried down to the breakfast room, where the others were already gathered.

"I see you survived the night," Kurt said, with one eyebrow raised.

Blaine snickered, obviously in on the joke.

Froggy simply looked at them questioningly, but Rachel chose to take offense. "I'll have you know that this castle is the safest place in my kingdom, and my kingdom is the safest place in the land. Haven't you seen the thirty-foot high wall that surrounds it?"

"Yes," Kurt said, adding under his breath, "I've seen it _and_ I've scaled it."

"Is this castle by any chance haunted?" Darren asked.

"Of course not!" Rachel snapped. "No one has ever died in it."

The look she gave Kurt, however, suggested that she might like to alter that fact.

Chris decided that a change of subject was in order. "Queen Red, since you have such an extensive and beautiful wardrobe yourself, Darren and I were wondering whether you might be able to help us find a few more things to wear. We arrived here somewhat unexpectedly, and we only have the clothes on our backs."

"Oh my," Rachel squealed, clearly delighted with the prospect. "I'd love to! My royal tailor will fix you right up. And we must all be fitted for warm coats, as well. The northern mountains, where the Snow Queen lives, are bitterly cold, even at this time of year."

"Thanks, Red. That's very generous of you," Darren said.

"Oh, it's no trouble at all. I've been saving the Big Bad Wolf's pelt all these years, and it will be just the thing for our coats. Oh my — you wouldn't believe what soft, thick fur he had…"

…

Once the somewhat awkward breakfast was over, Rachel introduced Chris and Darren to her royal tailor, who took their measurements and promised that his staff would have several new outfits ready for each of them by that evening.

"Wow — talk about efficiency," Darren said to Chris. "The people in wardrobe could sure use a staff like that."

Chris glanced anxiously over his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" Darren asked.

Chris laughed nervously. "I guess I've just got a superstitious dread of the Glee wardrobe department. I never want to piss them off, for fear that they'll put Kurt in even tighter pants. Did you ever wonder why I'm able to hit such high notes? It's 'cause they've got my balls shoved up into my diaphragm."

Darren snorted.

"Hey! It's not funny. You should try dancing in some of those outfits they put me in. I can barely breathe, let alone move."

"Baby, I've seen you dance, and if you were moving any better I think the cameras would explode. If those clothes wardrobe puts you in are restraining you in any way, I'm sure it's only in the interest of public safety."

Chris rolled his eyes, but inside he was pleased by the compliment.

Rachel cleared her throat. "If you'd like, I can have the clothes you've been wearing cleaned and pressed for you. I've got some spare robes you can borrow in the meantime."

"That would be awesome. Thanks!" Darren said.

"And if you'd like to get yourselves cleaned up, the royal baths are down this hall, turn right, down that hall, and then third door on your left."

"That sounds heavenly," Chris said. "Thanks, Queen Red."

Chris and Darren changed into the robes Rachel provided, and wandered down the hall in search of the baths. The royal bath room, when they found it, was nothing like what Chris had imagined. It was a large, open space, with a dozen huge, claw-footed tubs scattered around it.

Each tub had its own privacy curtain in the form of a tapestry woven with an image of Queen Red as a child, wearing her trademark hooded cape. When Chris stretched out a tapestry to surround one of the tubs, he found that the picture became a mural depicting the entire fairy tale, complete with the Big Bad Wolf wearing her grandmother's nightgown.

Darren burst out laughing. "I don't even know what to say."

Chris filled his tub with steaming water from one of the many cauldrons set over the coals of the fire pit that lined three sides of the room. He selected some lavender bath salts, soap, and shampoo from the shelves along the fourth wall. He also gathered a couple of fluffy towels and placed them on the stool next to his tub. Then he closed his privacy curtain and stepped out of his robe and into the bath.

A moment later, the curtain opened and Darren stepped through, loosening the tie of his own robe.

"What're you doing?" Chris asked, half-amused.

"I figured we should conserve water by bathing together."

"What happened to keeping things platonic until the curse is lifted?"

"This can be a platonic bath."

"Darren, grown men do not take platonic baths together."

"Hmm… And I see how much you've grown…" Darren smirked, with a significant look at where the water was doing nothing to hide Chris's obvious reaction to the sight of him standing there with his robe hanging open.

Chris splashed him. "Out!"

"Okay, okay," Darren said, laughing, as he backed away. "But you're gonna owe me a whole lot of firsts once this curse is over."

"Be careful what you wish for, honey," Chris teased. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

"You, I hope," Darren teased back.

Chris splashed him again. "Just go — before we end up doing something we won't be awake to regret."

…

Miraculously, by the time they finished dinner that evening, everything was ready for their journey. The clothes — including six new fur coats — had been made, the provisions had been gathered and loaded onto the ship, and everything was in place for their departure.

They had decided that it would be best to travel at night, so as to attract as little attention as possible. As Chris, Darren, Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, and Froggy walked out into the courtyard, an amazing sight greeted them. There, illuminated by torchlight from below and a full moon from above, was a modest wooden boat, suspended from an enormous hot air balloon. Red's grandmother and her helpers had obviously used every scrap of fabric they could get their hands on, so the balloon was a crazy-quilt of rainbow colors.

The travelers walked up the short gangplank two by two. Kurt and Blaine went first, with Chris and Darren following close behind.

Staring upward at the rainbow balloon with undisguised delight, Darren said, "I feel like we're getting on Gay Noah's Ark."

Chris chuckled, but then said soberly, "I hope this mission doesn't last for 40 days and 40 nights, though, 'cause I don't think I can live that long without kissing you."

"Among other things," Darren said with a wink.

Chris bumped their shoulders together. "Among other things…"

…

An hour later, floating northward through the starry sky, all six passengers on the flying ship were in high spirits. Their quest was off to a spectacular start, and a feeling of hopefulness was in the air.

Kurt produced a bottle of whiskey and challenged the others to a game of liar's dice. Everyone readily agreed, and soon the laughter and the alcohol were flowing freely.

When a somewhat tipsy Rachel got up and went to lean over the side of the ship, causing it to sway alarmingly, Darren took it as a song cue:

 _I dreamed last night I got on the boat to heaven_

 _And by some chance I had brought my dice along_

 _And there I stood_

 _And I hollered "Someone fade me"_

 _But the passengers, they knew right from wrong_

Chris was grinning as he came in on the chorus:

 _For the people all said sit down,_

 _Sit down, you're rockin' the boat_

 _People all said sit down_

 _Sit down you're rockin' the boat_

 _And the devil will drag you under_

 _By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat,_

 _Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,_

 _Sit down you're rockin' the boat_

Kurt took the next verse:

 _I sailed away on that little boat to heaven_

 _And by some chance found a bottle in my fist_

 _And there I stood,_

 _Nicely passin' out the whiskey_

 _But the passengers were bound to resist_

 _For the people all said beware_

 _You're on a heavenly trip_

 _People all said beware_

 _Beware, you'll scuttle the ship_

Blaine hooked one finger into the silk scarf around Kurt's neck, singing:

 _And the devil will drag you under_

 _By the fancy tie 'round your wicked throat_

 _Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down_

 _Sit down, you're rockin' the boat_

Chris, Darren, Kurt and Blaine all began skipping around the deck, waving their jazz-hands wildly, and singing at the top of their lungs:

 _Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down_

 _Sit down, you're rockin' the boat_

 _Sit down, you're rockin',_

 _Sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat_

 _Sit down, you're rockin',_

 _Sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat_

 _Sit down, you're rockin' the boat_

The song came to a ragged end as the four of them collapsed into a laughing, panting heap.

As soon as he'd caught his breath enough to speak, Darren intoned, "And that's what you missed on _Glee!_ "

 **End Notes:** A review that Ginniegins (over on Scarves  & Coffee) left on my last chapter inspired me to write a humorous little one-shot in this 'verse. It's called _The Boys Who Cried Wolf_ , and it recounts five times Kurt thought he needed to rescue Chris and Darren, and one time he actually did. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. And please review — you may just inspire me to write another story. **:D**


	10. Frozen

**10\. Frozen**

 _In which evil, by any other name, would look the same…_

Chris was awakened by a sharp jolt. "What was that?"

"I think we just landed," Darren replied groggily.

The two made their way to the upper deck, where they found a bleary-eyed Froggy.

"Have you been up all night?" Darren asked.

"Well, somebody had to steer the ship, and make sure we didn't crash into the mountains."

"Sorry, man. You could have woken me. I'd have been willing to take a turn."

"That's okay," Froggy said. "I didn't want to disturb anyone. But now that we're safely on the ground, I think I'm gonna go get some sleep."

Froggy headed down to the lower deck, passing Kurt and Blaine on their way up.

"Good morning," Blaine greeted Chris and Darren. "Did you guys sleep well?"

They both nodded. "Our bed was really comfortable. Red sure knows how to put together a luxury cruise on short notice," Chris said.

Kurt rolled his eyes, but held his tongue. Ever since Rachel had reminded them that this was _her_ ship, so it was up to _her_ who got to come along on the mission, he had been making an obvious effort to rein in his irritation with her.

As Rachel herself came stumbling onto the upper deck, Chris barely caught Kurt muttering under his breath, " _Speak of the devil…_ "

Rachel did not look her best. Her hair was snarled, her eyes were bloodshot, and she appeared to have slept in her clothes. "Where are we?" she groaned, clutching her head.

"I think we're about a mile from the Snow Queen's lair. It's rumored to be hidden in that glacier," Blaine said, gesturing northward. "We'll have to travel the rest of the way on foot."

"I didn't bring any snow boots," Rachel said. "I think I'd better stay here and help Froggy guard the ship."

"That's a good idea, Red," Blaine agreed.

The others all let out a sigh of relief.

Once Rachel had stumbled back down to the lower deck, Darren said, "Wow — I guess she had a little too much to drink last night. That looked like a killer hangover."

Kurt tried — but failed — to hold in a snort.

Blaine bumped their shoulders together. "I think it will be more fun with just the four of us, anyway. How about you two get breakfast ready," he suggested to Chris and Darren, "while Kurt and I gather up the supplies and weapons we'll need."

…

A couple of hours later — after trudging through the snow and then wandering around in the labyrinthine crevasses of the glacier — the four travelers finally found themselves at the edge of a vast crater. A frozen waterfall spilled down one side, ending in the ice of a lake that covered the crater's floor. At the far side of the crater was an archway, from which hung an enormous chandelier made entirely of dagger-sharp icicles that glowed with an unworldly light. Under that archway sat an icy throne. And upon that throne…

"Is that the Snow Queen?" Darren whispered.

"It must be," Chris replied, whispering as well.

"But why is she wearing a track suit?"

Chris did a double-take. The figure on the throne was, indeed, wearing a bright blue track suit, with a matching scarf covering her eyes. "It looks like Sue Sylvester."

"I thought Sue was the Evil Queen who poisoned Snow White."

"Maybe that's not Sue. Maybe it's her evil twin."

"Which in this case would just be her twin."

"Exactly."

Kurt gripped Blaine's shoulder tightly. "B-b-bears," he stammered, pointing.

Flanking the Snow Queen's throne were half a dozen guards — big, burly, men with plenty of facial hair. No one had noticed them at first, since their polar bear fur coats effectively camouflaged them against the snow.

Darren turned to Kurt, surprised to hear him sounding frightened for the first time since they'd met him. "Are you afraid of bears?"

Kurt nodded, making a visible effort to pull himself together. "I have been ever since Rachel tricked me into going to the Three Bears' house when we were kids. Those guys really tried to maul me, and I guess I've never quite gotten over it."

Blaine wrapped Kurt protectively in his arms. "You can wait here. I'll sneak down and try to snag the scepter."

Kurt hugged Blaine back, then raised his chin and squared his shoulders. "No, I'm the best thief. I should do it. You three distract the guards, and I'll get the scepter."

After a brief, whispered planning session, it was decided. Kurt headed clockwise, toward the frozen waterfall, while the others went counterclockwise around the rim of the crater. Once they were opposite the waterfall, Chris, Darren, and Blaine lowered themselves to the ground and scooted to the edge of the crater. Then they began making snowballs and tossing them over the side.

The bears' heads whipped around, and all six of them came to investigate the disturbance, leaving the Snow Queen unguarded. Kurt began making his way stealthily toward her throne. Unfortunately, as he crossed the frozen lake, a piece of ice snapped under his foot, drawing the bears' attention.

Kurt froze as the bears approached.

Blaine leapt to his feet. "No!" he shouted.

The Snow Queen couldn't see what was happening, but she raised her scepter toward the sound of Blaine's voice. An icy blast shot from its tip, freezing him solid. Darren sprang forward to grab him just in time to keep him from toppling into the crater. The Snow Queen shot another icy blast, which knocked them both backward, and froze Darren as well.

Chris stayed as still and silent as he could, watching in horror as the bears closed in on Kurt, who was cowering down on the ice.

"What's the matter, pretty boy? Are we too close for comfort?" one of the bears taunted.

"No," Kurt said, pulling a dagger from his boot and rising in one swift motion, "you're just where I want you." He hurled the dagger at the nearest bear. It struck the ice right in front of his feet.

The bear laughed darkly. "Missed me."

Kurt arched one haughty eyebrow. "I never miss."

The ice cracked where the dagger had landed, and all six bears plunged into the lake, which immediately re-froze over their heads.

In a rage, the Snow Queen began singing _O Fortuna_ — which Chris immediately recognized as the theme music to all of Sue Sylvester's violent rampages — at the top of her lungs. The sound echoed around the crater, causing the archway above her throne to shake. As her song reached its crescendo, the enormous ice chandelier collapsed on top of her.

Kurt rushed forward and snatched the scepter out of her hand. He bent forward as though listening, then straightened up and raced to Chris, Darren, and Blaine.

"Are they okay?" he asked frantically.

Chris felt numb with shock. "I don't know. They seem to be frozen. What do we do?"

Kurt reached into one of their packs and brought out two fur-lined sleeping bags. "We have to warm them up. If we strip them, and ourselves, and get into these sleeping bags together, our body heat should do the trick."

Chris opened his sleeping bag and rolled Darren's stiff form onto it. With trembling fingers he removed his own and Darren's clothes. Then he wrapped himself and his boyfriend tightly together in the fur.

Within seconds, Chris's teeth were chattering with cold. Darren's icy skin seemed to be drawing all of the heat right out of his body. A few feet away, he could hear Kurt's teeth chattering, too.

"Th-th-this isn't working," Kurt cried. "We need more heat."

He scrambled back into his clothes, leaving Blaine wrapped in the sleeping bag. Rummaging around in his pack, he brought out a tinder box. Soon he had a small but blissfully warm fire crackling nearby. In another few minutes he had lit a second fire about six feet away from the first.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do," Kurt said, all business. "We'll connect the two sleeping bags and lay them between the fires. Then you and I will lie back-to-back in the middle to keep each other from freezing, and we'll put Blaine and Darren on the outsides, between us and the fires, so they're warmed from both ends. Oh, and we'll pile all of our fur coats on top of the sleeping bags, too, to hold in the heat."

Chris readily agreed to the plan, and they quickly got themselves and their boyfriends repositioned. At first, the front of Chris's body was painfully cold where he was pressed up against Darren's freezing skin, but Kurt's warmth at his back did help, and eventually he felt Darren beginning to thaw. Gradually the color returned to his skin, and at last he blinked his eyes open.

"If you think getting slushied is like being bitch-slapped by an iceberg, you should try getting hit by a blast from the Snow Queen's scepter. Man, I have never been so fucking cold!"

Chris laughed in relief. "Oh, thank god you're okay!"

"Mmmmm…" Darren murmured, snuggling impossibly closer in the tight confines of the sleeping bag. "You feel good."

Chris was suddenly uncomfortably aware of his nakedness, as well as his proximity to three other naked men, two of whom had the same bodies as his and Darren's younger selves. Behind him he could feel the tension melt out of Kurt as Blaine finally began to stir, only to be replaced by a different sort of tension when Blaine slipped a hand into the space where their lower backs arched away from each other and then slid it down over Kurt's ass. The backs of Blaine's knuckles pressed against Chris's own ass, and he let out an embarrassing squeak.

"Okay!" he cried, his voice coming out a bit louder and more high-pitched than he'd intended. "I think we're all warmed up enough!"

 **End Notes:** Were you surprised by the identity of the Snow Queen? Well, I decided that Sue Sylvester was just too deliciously evil for me to use only once.


	11. Roar

**11\. Roar**

 _In which it's just one big (not entirely) happy family, with a new little addition…_

The sun was nearly setting by the time Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine returned to the flying ship, triumphantly bearing the Snow Queen's scepter.

Rachel came out to greet them excitedly. "You'll never guess what I did today!"

Kurt raised an eyebrow. " _We'll_ never guess what _you_ did today?" he repeated sarcastically. "Did you narrowly avoid death in order to secure one of the items we need for the Wand of Wonderment? 'Cause that's what _we_ did today."

"Oh, that's nice," Rachel said, glancing briefly at the scepter. "But look — I found a _puppy_!"

She opened the front of her coat to reveal a tiny ball of fur nestled against her chest. "I went for a little walk, and there he was, all alone in the snow. His mother must have abandoned him. Isn't he precious?"

Chris couldn't stop the "Awwww…" that burst out of him.

Darren rushed forward. "Oh, he's adorable! Can I hold him?"

Somewhat reluctantly, Rachel handed over the puppy, who immediately licked Darren's face.

"I've named him Rory, after a Leprechaun I read about in a storybook. But I'm going to spell it with an 'A' — like _roar_. Roary. Isn't that clever?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Puppies don't roar."

Rachel adopted a condescending tone. "It's a play on words, Kurt, but I wouldn't expect _you_ to get it. You see, those of us who went to school — instead of spending our childhoods breaking into houses and running from the law — learned about something called homophones."

Kurt had finally had enough. Stepping right into Rachel's personal space, he began to sing:

 _I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath_

 _Scared to rock the boat and make a mess_

 _So I sat quietly, agreed politely_

 _I guess that I forgot I had a choice_

 _I let you push me past the breaking point_

 _I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything_

 _You held me down, but I got up_

 _Already brushing off the dust_

 _You hear my voice, you hear that sound_

 _Like thunder gonna shake the ground_

 _You held me down, but I got up_

 _Get ready 'cause I've had enough_

 _I see it all, I see it now_

 _I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Louder, louder than a lion_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You're gonna hear me roar_

 _Now I'm floating like a butterfly_

 _Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes_

 _I went from zero, to my own hero_

 _You held me down, but I got up_

 _Already brushing off the dust_

 _You hear my voice, you hear that sound_

 _Like thunder gonna shake the ground_

 _You held me down, but I got up_

 _Get ready 'cause I've had enough_

 _I see it all, I see it now_

 _I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Louder, louder than a lion_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You're gonna hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You'll hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You're gonna hear me roar..._

 _Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar_

 _I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Louder, louder than a lion_

 _'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You're gonna hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You'll hear me roar_

 _Oh oh oh oh oh oh_

 _You're gonna hear me roar..._

Rachel seemed to miss the point of the song entirely. "Don't be silly," she said. "Of course Roary's not a lion or a tiger. I mean, he doesn't have a mane or stripes, does he? That's why I referred to him as a puppy, rather than a cub."

"Actually," Darren said, "I think Roary _is_ a cub."

"That's ridiculous. I already pointed out that he's not a baby lion or a baby tiger. And he's certainly not a baby bear, either. So what kind of cub could he possibly be?"

Darren held him up for everyone to see. "Well, just look at him. He's obviously a wolf cub."

"Of course he's not a wolf!" Rachel huffed. "I — of all people — should know what a wolf looks like. What big eyes they have, what big ears they have, what big teeth they have… Look at that cute little face. He can't possibly be a wolf."

"His eyes and ears and teeth may be little now, since he's only a few weeks old. But picture what he's going to look like when he grows up."

Rachel peered more closely at the pup. "Oh my. _Oh my._ _Oh my!_ " she cried, leaping back. " _Wolf!_ "

Startled by Rachel's shrieking, Roary began to whimper.

"Here, let me have him," Chris said, holding out his arms.

Darren handed the wolf cub to Chris, who cuddled him close. "There, there," he soothed. "It's okay. She's loud, but she's harmless."

"I'll tell you what's _not_ harmless!" Rachel screamed. "That bloodthirsty beast! Get it off of my ship this instant!"

"He's just a baby," Froggy said. "He'd never survive in this wilderness by himself. We can't just abandon him."

He tried to put an arm around Rachel, but she shrugged him off. "How can you take his side?!" she demanded, incensed.

"No one's taking sides, Red," Blaine said placatingly. "You did a noble thing by rescuing this little guy, and now we're all going to pitch in and help take care of him until he's old enough to live on his own."

Flattered by Blaine's description of her as 'noble,' Rachel pulled herself together. "Well, I suppose I can overlook his deplorable parentage, since he _is_ just a baby. But if he tries to eat me when he grows up, mama's getting a new coat."

"Speaking of eating," Froggy said, in a desperate bid to change the subject, "the four of you must be famished. I slept most of the day, since I spent the night steering the ship, but when I woke up a couple of hours ago I put a stew on to simmer. It must be ready by now. Why don't you sit down and tell us all about your adventures while we have dinner."

Over steaming bowls of stew (which Chris, knowing who'd prepared it, was pleased to note was free from flies) Kurt described their encounter with the Snow Queen and the bears who guarded her. When he got to the part about taking the scepter from her as she lay pinned beneath the icicle chandelier, Chris remembered that there was something he'd been meaning to ask about.

"It looked like you were listening to her for a moment, there. What did she say to you?"

Kurt looked uneasy. "Well, I guess I can tell you now, since we've all made it safely back to the ship. Just before she lost consciousness, the Snow Queen said, _'Of the four travelers, one will not return.'_ It really freaked me out, because I know she's got a reputation for having the gift of prophecy. When I saw that Blaine and Darren had been frozen, I was terrified that we might not be able to save one of them."

Chris felt his blood run cold at the thought. "You really are amazingly good in a crisis," he told Kurt admiringly. "I was so worried, I couldn't think straight. But you knew exactly what to do."

Kurt blushed at the praise. "Well, I do have a lot of experience in emergency situations. One of the perks of being a wanted fugitive, I guess."

"So how did you thaw them out?" Froggy asked.

It was Chris's turn to blush as Kurt explained the steps they'd taken to ensure Blaine and Darren wouldn't die of hypothermia.

Later that night, lying cuddled up with Darren, Chris said, "I really was worried about you today."

"I was worried, too. I could hear and feel everything that was happening, but I couldn't move. That cold was _painful_. But it was almost worth it for the chance to get you and Kurt and Blaine all naked in bed with me."

"Oh my god. I had no idea my boyfriend was so kinky," Chris gasped, pretending to be scandalized.

"Hey - don't try to act like you weren't into it," Darren teased. "You know Kurt is totally hot, and I'll be offended if you don't think Blaine is, too."

Chris grew serious. "Objectively, of course I think that Blaine is hot. I mean, minus a little scruff and strategically placed hair, he's basically got your body, so I'd have to, wouldn't I? But the last time we were here, one of the things that made me realize that my feelings for you were real, and not just the result of character bleed, is that I've actually never been attracted to Blaine. Not the one on Glee, and not the one here, either. You're the only one who I want to be with."

"Chris," Darren breathed, stroking his face gently. "You are making it so fucking hard for me not to kiss you right now."

"Well, we've already got one item for the Wand of Wonderment. Just five more to go, and then we can defeat the Enchantress, end this curse, and do everything we want."

" _Everything?_ "

"Everything."

 **End Notes:** Something very exciting is about to happen in my life, and I'll tell you all about it when I post the next chapter. In the meantime, you can give me something else to be excited about by writing me a review. :D


	12. Bad Romance

**12\. Bad Romance**

 _In which life's a drag…_

Froggy must have been getting better at landing the flying ship, because there was no sudden jolt to awaken Chris the next morning. Instead, he woke to the feeling of being watched. Opening his eyes, he found Darren staring down at him.

"You're beautiful when you're sleeping."

"Creepy much, Dare?"

"Hey, no. I'm serious. I love looking at you," Darren said, brushing a stray lock of hair from Chris's forehead. He leaned down, but Chris rolled quickly away from him.

" _Please_ don't tempt me to kiss you."

Darren let out a long-suffering sigh. "Fine. Let's go see where we are."

They climbed up to the deck, where they found Froggy and Rachel tossing a pinecone back and forth between them while an exited Roary raced from one to the other, trying to catch it. Rachel appeared to have completely gotten over her fear of the wolf cub.

"Good morning," Froggy called out.

"Good morning," Darren replied, taking advantage of Rachel's momentary distraction to snatch the pinecone out of the air before she could catch it. "Looks like we're playing _Puppy in the Middle_ , huh?"

Darren tossed the pinecone to Chris, who burst out laughing at the sight of the wolf cub tripping over his own too-big paws as he tried to change course. Soon all four of them were laughing uproariously at the puppy's antics as he tried in vain to catch the pinecone.

Eventually, a sleepy looking Kurt and Blaine appeared on deck, grumbling about the noise.

"Sorry," Chris said. "I didn't realize you two were still asleep."

"We were up late," Blaine explained.

"Trying not to kiss, if you know what I mean," Kurt added with a wink.

Rachel shot him a dirty look. "Yes, well, we're all in the same boat here. Literally. So let's keep ourselves focused on the mission, and avoid over-sharing — if you know what _I_ mean!"

"Sorry, Red," Blaine said placatingly. "We didn't mean to offend you."

"Oh, I know _you_ didn't," Rachel said, batting her eyelashes at him. " _You're_ always a perfect gentleman."

Chris could see Kurt stiffen at her words, and decided it was time to jump in. "Speaking of the mission, I thought we were going to try the giant's castle next, but this doesn't look like your kingdom, Queen Red. Where are we?"

"We're in the Charming Kingdom. Since you managed to get the Snow Queen's scepter so quickly, Blaine thought his beanstalk wouldn't have grown tall enough to reach the giant's castle yet. So we're going to visit Quinderella's Wicked Stepmother first."

"Sounds good," said Darren. "What's our plan?"

"I'm going to stay here with Roary," Froggy said. "I could use some sleep, after staying up all night piloting the ship again. Plus, I'm not exactly inconspicuous in my current form. The Wicked Stepmother is extremely status-conscious. She'd never allow me through her front door. But she'll jump at the chance to entertain royalty, so Red will have no problem gaining admittance to her home."

"What about the rest of us?" Blaine asked. "Surely we can't send Red all by herself. I'd be glad to go along, but Kurt and I are fugitives, and if the Wicked Stepmother has seen any of the wanted posters tacked up all over the land, she's bound to recognize us."

"I have it all planned out," Rachel said happily. "You'll be disguised as my handmaidens."

 _"Excuse me?"_ Kurt said with a raised eyebrow.

"It makes perfect sense," Rachel explained. "As a queen, I can't be expected to travel without handmaidens to attend to my every need. And between the fact that you'll be dressed as women, and the fact that no one of rank ever looks twice at servants, there's no way she'll know who you are."

"I am _not_ dressing as your servant," Kurt said haughtily. "I don't object to women's garb, but I'll go as a lady-in-waiting."

"Oh, that sounds fun!" Darren interjected. "Can Chris and I be ladies-in-waiting, too?"

"Why?" Chris asked. " _We're_ not wanted fugitives."

"But you know how much I love playing dress-up. Come on. _Please?_ "

"Fine," Chris said, with a fond roll of his eyes.

Rachel rolled her eyes, as well — though in a much less fond way. "Fine," she huffed, flouncing over to the row of trunks lining the walls of the deck and lifting the lids. "I suppose I can find suitable outfits for all of you."

Darren skipped over to her excitedly. "Wow, Red! I can't believe you brought so many clothes."

"A queen needs to be prepared to dress appropriately for any occasion."

"What about all of these wigs?" Darren asked, sifting through the contents of one of the chests.

"Well, I thought the winds might be stronger way up in the sky, and I didn't want to risk the possibility of having a bad hair day."

"And just look at all this makeup and jewelry," Darren exclaimed, pulling Chris over to yet another trunk. "We can pretend we're contestants on _RuPaul's Drag Race_. It's gonna be totally awesome!"

"Okay, sweetie, calm down. We haven't even had breakfast yet. Let's get something to eat first, and then I'll be glad to play dress-up with you."

…

A few hours later, Rachel and her four "ladies-in-waiting" were approaching the home of the Wicked Stepmother. A tall, wrought-iron fence surrounded the property, and a familiar figure stood at the gate.

Darren nudged Chris, whispering "It's Figgins! Wasn't he guarding Quinderella's palace the last time we were here? What's he doing outside the Wicked Stepmother's house?"

Chris shrugged, giving him a look that clearly said _Your guess is as good as mine_.

"Halt," Figgins called out self-importantly. "State your business."

Never one to be outdone when it came to self-importance, Rachel puffed herself up and said, "I, Queen Red Riding Hood, have come to pay a royal visit. Open the gate and step aside."

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty," Figgins replied, not sounding even remotely sorry, "but no one is allowed through this gate."

Rachel gave him a scathing look. "I recognize you," she sneered. "You've obviously been demoted from guarding Queen Quinderella to guarding her Wicked Stepmother."

"It wasn't my fault," Figgins spluttered. "How was I supposed to know that the messenger from the Sleeping Kingdom actually had something important to say — a warning that could have saved Princess Beth? I was only doing my job when I turned him away. No one was supposed to be admitted to the palace without an invitation. My hands were tied!"

"Well, we're here on a mission that could free the princess from this curse. So if you don't want to be further demoted to guarding the royal dung heap, then I suggest you let us in."

Figgins reluctantly opened the gate. He shot suspicious looks at Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine as they passed through, but he didn't say another word.

Rachel and her entourage made their way up to the house and pulled the bell cord. A great clanging could be heard from within the house. A few moments later the door was flung open, revealing a tall, imposing woman in a yellow tracksuit.

"It's Sue again!" Darren whispered to Chris.

"I guess this would be her evil triplet," Chris whispered back.

"May I help you?" Sue asked, in a tone that suggested she would be pleased to help them find the nearest river to drown in.

"I'm Queen Red Riding Hood," Rachel said, stepping forward. "And these are my ladies-in-waiting — Lady Daisy, Lady Christine, Lady Jane, and Lady Gert."

The four men in drag curtsied.

Hearing that she was in the presence of royalty, the Wicked Stepmother's entire demeanor changed. "Oh, how kind of you to drop by. Do come in," Sue invited, ushering them through to a parlor.

Chris walked over to the mantlepiece and looked at the portraits of two identical girls. He wasn't sure, but he thought they reminded him of an actress Ryan had mentioned casting for the next season. "Are these your daughters?" he asked.

"Yes. That would be Little Cat A and Little Cat Z. You won't meet them, since they're hiding at the moment. I empower my daughters to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror."

"And is this Michael Bolton?" Darren asked, gesturing to another portrait.

"Ah, yes. My dearly departed husband."

"I've heard that he loved you very much," Blaine said. "And that he gave you the world's most beautiful ring. May I see it?"

Flattered, Sue held her hand out to Blaine. He took it and brought it up to his face, as if to inspect the ring more closely. Then, in one swift motion, he kissed Sue's fingers.

The moment Blaine's lips touched her skin, the Wicked Stepmother fell into a deep sleep and crumpled to the floor. Kurt quickly snatched the ring from her finger and pocketed it.

"Let's get out of here," Chris said, "before the little kitties come out of hiding."

They left the house, trying to appear nonchalant as they passed by a disgruntled looking Figgins at the gate. Once they were around the corner and out of his sight, they broke into a run, sprinting back to the flying ship.

Froggy came out to greet them. "Back so soon? Did you get the ring?"

"Oh yes! Blaine was amazing!" Rachel gushed. "Even dressed as a woman, he's just _so_ charming. He took the Wicked Stepmother's hand and kissed it. I don't think she ever saw it coming, but even if she had, I don't think she would have stopped him. I mean, who could resist being kissed by those lips…"

This was too much, even for someone as easy-going as Froggy. He turned several different shades of green in rapid succession. Then, glaring at Rachel, he began to sing:

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Rama-ramama-ah_

 _GaGa-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

 _Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Rama-ramama-ah_

 _GaGa-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

 _I want your ugly, I want your disease_

 _I want your everything as long as it's free_

 _I want your love_

 _Love, love, love, I want your love_

 _I want your drama, the touch of your hand_

 _I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand_

 _I want your love_

 _Love, love, love, I want your love_

 _You know that I want you_

 _And you know that I need you_

 _I want it bad, your bad romance_

 _I want your love and I want your revenge_

 _You and me could write a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh_

 _I want your love and all your lover's revenge_

 _You and me could write a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Rama-ramama-ah_

 _GaGa-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

 _I want your horror, I want your design_

 _'Cause you're a criminal as long as you're mine_

 _I want your love_

 _Love, love, love, I want your love_

 _I want your psycho, your vertigo stick_

 _Want you in my rear window, baby you're sick_

 _I want your love_

 _Love, love, love, I want your love_

 _Love, love, love, I want your love_

 _You know that I want you_

 _And you know that I need you_

 _I want a bad, bad romance_

 _I want your love and I want your revenge_

 _You and me could write a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh_

 _I want your love and all your lover's revenge_

 _You and me could write a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

 _Caught in a bad romance_

 _Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Rama-ramama-ah_

 _GaGa-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance…_

 **End Notes:** Do you remember that in the End Notes to my last chapter I mentioned that something exciting was about to happen in my life? Well, I went to a book signing for TLOS4.

This was my second time meeting the angelic being known as Chris Colfer. The first was three years ago, at a signing for _The Wishing Spell_. That event was the inspiration for me to write my very first fan fiction — _How You Brought CrissColfer Together_ — which (if you're over 18) you can find on It-Could-Happen or Archive of Our Own. That was also the time when he called me "Sweetie" — hence my pen name. :D

Chris has matured so much over the past three years. I suppose I shouldn't find that surprising, but I guess there's a way that in my mind he's been stuck at 22 — his age when I first met him, and the age he is in this story. My fan fiction has always been pure fantasy, of course, but it keeps diverging further and further (as if being set in another dimension wasn't far enough) from real life. That, my friends, is the beauty of make-believe. :)


	13. Not So Jolly

**13\. Not So Jolly**

 _In which there seems to be a pattern here…_

Tensions were running high on the ship for the rest of the day. Rachel's renewed — and none-too-subtle — crush on Blaine had pushed both Froggy and Kurt past the bounds of their patience, and even Blaine himself was beginning to get snappish under the strain.

Meanwhile, Chris and Darren — although not directly involved in the bizarre love quadrangle — were feeling the stress of their own unresolved sexual tension. The prohibition against kissing each other was taking its toll on their new relationship.

Even Roary seemed agitated. His constant whining as he wandered disconsolately between the various members of his newfound pack only added to everyone's irritation.

Finally, Chris could stand it no longer. "I know we agreed to lie low during the day, and only travel at night," he said, "but this mission is going to fail if we end up killing each other before we get the other four items we need for the Wand of Wonderment. We're only a short distance from your kingdom, Queen Red. I suggest we fly there now and all go off to separate rooms for the night."

Darren looked a bit hurt by the suggestion, but no one argued. Froggy fired up the hot air balloon, and soon they were floating over the wall surrounding the Red Riding Hood Kingdom. Before long, they touched down outside the castle, and everyone disembarked with the haste of rats fleeing a sinking ship.

Rachel ordered her servants to show them all to separate guest chambers, and to bring them supper and breakfast in their rooms, so there would be no need for them to see each other until late the following morning. Then, scooping up Roary, she flounced off to her own quarters.

Darren gave Chris a kicked-puppy look. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, sweetie, of course not. But I think a little alone time will be good for all of us."

Darren didn't seem convinced, but he gave Chris a small smile and squeezed his hand before following a servant away down the hall. Chris allowed another servant to show him to his own room. Shutting the door of the only private space he'd had since arriving in the fairytale world, he felt like he could breathe properly for the first time that afternoon.

For a while, Chris luxuriated in the quiet and solitude. It was a relief to be away from his increasingly irritable — and irritating — companions. By the time he'd finished his supper, however, he was beginning to think that there was at least one of those companions whom he wouldn't mind seeing that evening.

Chris was just debating whether or not he should go in search of his boyfriend when a soft tap sounded at his door, followed by Darren's hesitant voice. "Chris? I know you needed some alone time, and I'll go away if you want, but I missed you, so I just thought I'd come say hi."

Chris wasted no time in opening the door, taking Darren's hand, and pulling him first into the room and then into his arms. "I missed you, too."

Darren melted into his embrace, chuckling a little. "Well, hi."

"Hi there yourself," Chris replied, grinning. "I think I've had enough solitude for the time being, and what I need now is some good, old-fashioned cuddling. Know anyone who'd care to join me?"

"Always."

…

The servant who delivered Chris's breakfast the following morning didn't seem surprised to find Darren in bed with him. "Don't worry, I brought a second tray with me, just in case," she told them. "I've already been through the same thing with Kurt and Blaine, so I came prepared."

After breakfast, Chris and Darren headed for Blaine's beanstalk, where they'd arranged to meet the others. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and they walked along happily, swinging their joined hands between them.

Even if they hadn't remembered the route from their previous visit, the beanstalk would have been impossible to miss. It towered over the kingdom, rising up into a bank of fluffy clouds in the otherwise blue sky. Kurt, Blaine, and Froggy were waiting at its base when they arrived.

"Where's Red?" Chris asked.

"She's staying behind to take care of Roary," Froggy answered, voice tight.

Chris and Darren exchanged looks, as did Kurt and Blaine, but, wisely, no one commented.

"So, how do we do this?" Darren asked.

"Climbing the beanstalk is strenuous, but it's not difficult," Blaine explained. "The leaves provide the perfect hand and foot-holds. Just follow my lead. Oh, and whatever you do, don't look down."

Blaine set off up the beanstalk, followed by Kurt, Froggy, Chris, and Darren. He hadn't been kidding about the climb being strenuous. Up and up and up they went, the air getting thinner and thinner the higher they ascended.

At the halfway point, Blaine paused to check in. "How's everyone doing?"

"I'm great," Kurt answered sassily. "I've had the perfect view of your ass this whole time."

Darren laughed. "I'm great, too. Same reason, different ass."

"I guess I'm okay, but frog buns don't really do it for me," Chris teased. "No offense, Froggy."

"None taken," Froggy replied. "I'm actually thankful to be in my amphibian form right now. Climbing this beanstalk is much easier as a frog."

"So, is everyone ready to go on?" Blaine asked.

There was a chorus of agreement, and the quintet resumed their ascent. After what seemed like hours, they entered the clouds, but still the beanstalk rose ever on above them. They were all out of breath, with quivering muscles, by the time they finally reached the top.

Stepping off the beanstalk with relief, they found themselves on a path through the clouds. An enormous castle loomed in the distance.

"If I lived here, the first thing I'd do is install an elevator," Darren panted.

Chris leaned against him, trying to catch his breath. "If _I_ lived here, the first thing _I'd_ do is _move_."

Blaine waited for everyone to recover from the climb before leading them along the path to the castle. Once they reached the massive edifice, they got down on their bellies and slipped under the door into a vast entrance hall. Getting to their feet, they stared in wonder at the larger-than-life portrait hanging on the far wall.

"It's Unique!" Chris gasped.

"Wow!" Darren said, looking around at all of the other pictures of the magic harp lining the walls. "The giant must have really loved her."

"Hmmm…" Froggy said. "Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Was Unique the giant's most prized possession?" Kurt asked.

Blaine looked confused. "I don't know. I've always thought of Unique as a _person_ — albeit in the form of a musical instrument — not as a _thing_ to be owned. Could she really be one of the items we need for the Wand of Wonderment?"

"Well, let's look around and see if we can find anything else that the giant might have valued more than the magic harp," Chris suggested.

As the five made their way across the hall, they passed a closet with its door hanging ajar. Inside they could see a dozen identical extra-extra- _extra_ large green tracksuits.

Darren looked questioningly at Chris. "Sue again?"

"Guess she was the not-so-jolly green giant," Chris quipped.

At the end of the hall, they turned left into the giant's dining room. There, too, portraits of Unique covered the walls. Sculptures and statues of the magic harp were on display, and even the backs of the chairs had her silhouette carved into them.

Blaine sighed. "I'm sorry for dragging you all up here for nothing. I guess Unique really was the giant's most prized possession."

Kurt put an arm around his shoulders. "Don't worry about it. This has been a fun adventure. I've secretly always wanted to see the giant's castle."

Chris knew that Darren felt the same way, and expected to hear his voice piping up in agreement. Instead, when Darren spoke, he sounded worried.

"Chris, what do you think that is?"

Chris looked in the direction his boyfriend was pointing. On the floor, in the corner of the room, he saw an enormous green bowl with _Lord Tubbington_ printed on it.

"Blaine," Chris asked nervously, "did the giant have any pets?"

Before Blaine could answer, there came a thunderous _MEOW_. Everyone whirled around to see a colossal cat waddling into the room. Ten feet tall, ten feet long, and at least ten feet wide, the cat resembled a giant, fluffy beach ball. It would have been funny and cute if not for the foot-long fangs that were exposed as it let out another deafening _MEOW_.

"N-n-n-nice kitty," Chris stammered.

"Fuck that!" Darren yelled. " _RUN!_ "

All five of them sprinted out of the dining room and back through the entrance hall, with Lord Tubbington lumbering along behind them. They slid under the door just in time to evade the cat's saber-like claws.

As they hurried back along the path to the beanstalk, Darren said, "See, this is why I'm a dog person."

"Hey," Chris said, "that's not fair. You know you love Brian."

"Well, yeah. Brian's an exception. Of course I love Brian. And after this, I will never again make fun of his size."

 **End Notes:** I'm leaving tomorrow for a week-long trip. I'll try to update on my regular schedule, but I'm not sure what my internet access situation will be. I apologize in advance if I'm late in posting the next chapter, or if I'm not able to respond to your comments in a timely manner. As always, your reviews are greatly appreciated, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. :D


	14. Just Stay Strong

**14\. Just Stay Strong**

 _In which it_ _'_ _s not too late to apologize_ _…_

After their near-miss with Lord Tubbington, Chris, Darren, Kurt, Blaine, and Froggy were glad to put the giant's castle far behind them. As they finished making their way down the beanstalk and finally touched solid ground, all five let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Let's go see Unique," Blaine suggested, "and find out how she feels about being part of the Wand of Wonderment."

They walked across the lawn to Blaine's former residence, where the magic harp had been living alone for the past year. As they stepped through the front door, they could hear Unique's voice:

 _On my own_

 _Pretending he's beside me_

 _All alone_

 _I walk with him 'til morning_

 _Without him, I feel_ _—_

The song ended abruptly when Unique caught sight of her visitors. "Oh, Blaine! I see you've brought company. How fabulous! Were you successful in your quest?"

"Not exactly," Blaine said a little sheepishly. "You see, we were hoping to find the giant's most prized possession…"

"You were? Why didn't you say something sooner? I could have saved you a climb. You must have realized by now that the giant never possessed anything else even remotely as valuable as I am."

"No false modesty here, I see," Kurt said with amusement.

"Hey - when you've got it, flaunt it. And I, for one, have definitely got it! After all, I _am_ Unique."

"Oh, believe me, I know that you're priceless. But I have no idea how this is supposed to work," Blaine admitted. "We're collecting items to create the Wand of Wonderment, so that we can defeat the Enchantress. And so far, everything else we've gathered has been a small, material object. I'm not sure how you fit in."

"Well, I _am_ magic," Unique pointed out.

"That you are," Blaine agreed with a smile. "So, will you join us on our travels, and help create the wand when the time comes?"

Batting her golden eyelashes, the magic harp replied coquettishly, "I thought you'd never ask."

Kurt and Blaine hoisted Unique between them, and they all made their way back to the flying ship. As they came aboard, they noticed that there was no sign of Rachel anywhere.

"Queen Red must still be in her castle, huh?" Darren observed.

Froggy looked uncomfortable. "I'm not sure whether Red will be joining us on the rest of this mission."

Kurt's face lit up at the sound of that, but he quickly schooled his features into a concerned expression when he saw how upset Froggy was. "What happened?"

"Come on — there's no point in anyone pretending not to have noticed that being on this quest together has brought back the, um… feelings… that Red used to have for Blaine. And the fact that she and I haven't been able to kiss because of this stupid curse, not to mention the fact that I've been transformed back into a frog, certainly hasn't helped matters any. I'd been trying to ignore the situation, but when I finally couldn't take it anymore and called her out on it, she got all huffy, and she hasn't spoken to me since."

"I'm sorry, man," Darren said.

Chris gave Froggy a sympathetic look. "I know things are tough right now, but don't give up hope. I think she'll come around. After all, the Mirror of True Love said that the two of you are meant to be together, and the mirror never lies."

Darren turned his heart-eyes on Chris at that statement, while Blaine and Kurt gave each other a similar look.

Just then, Rachel herself walked up the gangplank onto the deck of the ship. She was holding a bouquet of water lilies, which she presented to Froggy.

"I've been a fool," she said. "Forgive me?"

Froggy's wide mouth broke into an even wider grin. He began to sing, with a voice that was all Finn:

 _Guess this means you're sorry_

 _You're standing at my door_

 _Guess this means you take back_

 _All you said before_

 _Like how much you wanted_

 _Anyone but me_

 _Said you'd never come back_

 _But here you are again_

 _'Cause we belong together now, yeah_

 _Forever united here somehow, yeah_

 _You got a piece of me_

 _And honestly,_

 _My life would suck without you_ _…_

Rachel came in on the second verse:

 _Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye_

 _Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight_

 _I know that I've got issues_

 _But you're pretty messed up too,_

 _Either way I found out I'm nothing without you_

 _'Cause we belong together now yeah_

 _Forever united here somehow yeah_

 _You got a piece of me_

 _And honestly,_

 _My life would suck without you..._

Froggy took the bridge:

 _Being with you_

 _Is so dysfunctional_

 _I really shouldn't miss you_

 _But I can't let you go_

 _oh yeah_ _…_

 _'Cause we belong together now yeah_

 _Forever united here somehow yeah_

 _You got a piece of me_

 _And honestly,_

 _My life would suck without you_

The two voices blended together perfectly on the final chorus:

 _'Cause we belong together now yeah_

 _Forever united here somehow yeah_

 _You got a piece of me_

 _And honestly,_

 _My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you_ _…_

…

Dinner on the flying ship that evening was a festive affair. Red had arranged for her servants to deliver a feast from the castle kitchens — a six course meal with a different bottle of wine for each course. Those who had climbed the beanstalk had worked up quite an appetite, and were voraciously eating, drinking, and making merry. Rachel, who wasn't as famished as the others, kept passing bits of food under the table to Roary. And Unique, who had no need (or ability) to eat, entertained them all with one song after another.

After the meal, Chris and Darren retired to their quarters on the lower deck. It had been a long day, and they were worn out from their climb, as well as the mad dash away from the giant's cat. They cuddled up together under the covers and were soon fast asleep.

Chris hummed in contentment as he gradually regained consciousness the following morning. His back was pleasantly warm where Darren was pressed up against him. Chris wiggled his ass, snuggling more tightly into his boyfriend's embrace.

Darren's hand began tracing lazy patterns across Chris's chest under his t-shirt. Chris let out a soft, involuntary sound as Darren's fingertips grazed his nipple. Emboldened, Darren slung one leg over Chris's, drawing him even closer. He nuzzled into the back of Chris's neck as he allowed his hand to slip lower.

Suddenly fully awake, Chris forced himself to roll away. "Dare, stop. We can't."

"I fucking _hate_ this curse!" Darren shouted, leaping up from the bed. His eyes were wild, and frustration was pouring off of him in waves.

Darren's reaction was so dramatic, Chris didn't know whether to laugh, scream, or cry. He settled on trying to calm his boyfriend down. "Sweetie, I know. I hate it, too. And believe me, I'm just as frustrated as you are. But we've already got half of the items we need for the Wand of Wonderment. We just need to stay strong for a little while longer."

Standing up and taking Darren's hands in his, Chris began to sing:

 _You're not alone_

 _Together we stand_

 _I'll be by your side_

 _You know I'll take your hand_

 _When it gets cold_

 _And it feels like the end_

 _There's no place to go_

 _You know I won't give in_

 _No I won't give in_

 _Keep holding on,_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_

 _Just stay strong_

 _'Cause you know I'm here for you_

 _I'm here for you_

 _There's nothing you can say_

 _Nothing you can do_

 _There's no other way when it comes to the truth_

 _So keep holding on_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_

Darren smiled ruefully before joining in:

 _So far away_

 _I wish you were here_

 _Before it's too late_

 _This could all disappear_

 _Before the doors close_

 _And it comes to an end_

 _With you by my side_

 _I will fight and defend_

 _I'll fight and defend_

 _Yeah yeah_

 _Keep holding on,_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_

 _Just stay strong_

 _'Cause you know I'm here for you_

 _I'm here for you_

 _There's nothing you can say_

 _(nothing you can say)_

 _Nothing you can do_

 _(nothing you can do)_

 _There's no other way when it comes to the truth_

 _So keep holding on_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_

Chris's clear voice soared into the bridge:

 _Hear me when I say, when I say I'll believe_

 _Nothing_ _'_ _s gonna change, nothing_ _'_ _s gonna change destiny_

 _Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly_

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

Darren swung Chris into an impromptu dance as they sang together:

 _La da da da_

 _La da da da_

 _La da da da da da da da da_

 _Keep holding on,_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_

 _Just stay strong_

 _'Cause you know I'm here for you_

 _I'm here for you_

 _There's nothing you can say_

 _(nothing you can say)_

 _Nothing you can do_

 _(nothing you can do)_

 _There's no other way when it comes to the truth_

 _So keep holding on_

 _'Cause you know we'll make it through_

 _We'll make it through_ _…_

 **End Notes:** Ta da! I'm managing to post from the road. The formatting may be a bit off, but I'm sure you'll forgive me, since you're getting this chapter on time. Please review. :D


	15. The Rubble or Our Sins

**15\. The Rubble or Our Sins**

 _In which things are getting hard_ _…_ _(and kind of difficult, too_ _…_ _)_

"Our next stop is a place we've all been before," Froggy told the group assembled around the breakfast table the following morning. "The Evil Queen's castle."

"This one should be easy," Chris said. "We know for sure what her most prized possession was, and we know exactly where to find it."

"Plus, we don't have to worry about running into the Evil Queen herself, since she got swallowed up by the Mirror of True Love the last time we were here," Darren added.

"Yes, but don't forget that the mirror shattered into a million pieces, and the castle is now in ruins. I, for one, am not excited about the prospect of digging through a mountain of rubble in search of tiny shards of glass," Rachel said.

"Guess who's not gonna be an optimist about this…" Kurt muttered to Blaine under his breath.

Rachel either didn't hear him or chose to ignore his comment.

"My mom taught me a trick for picking up broken glass," Chris said. "All we need to do is sweep up the bigger pieces, and then run a damp towel over the floor to get the remaining fragments."

"Ooh, my mom does the same thing," Darren said, squeezing Chris's hand.

Then, to the rest of the group, he added, "This seems like pretty straightforward housework, so if the rest of you want to take the day off, I'm sure Chris and I could handle it on our own."

"Well, you know housework is certainly not my thing," Rachel said. "I have servants to take care of that. So if you two wouldn't mind, I'd be glad to stay here on the ship."

Froggy gave Chris and Darren an apologetic smile before putting his arm around Rachel. "And I'd love to stay here with you," he told her.

Kurt and Blaine exchanged looks. "Maybe we'd better accompany you to the castle ruins," Blaine said.

"Just in case you run into any danger," Kurt added.

…

Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine were in high spirits as they set off together. Compared to climbing the beanstalk, navigating the path to the Evil Queen's castle was like a walk in the park. And, regardless of the excuse Kurt had made for why he and Blaine weren't staying on the ship with Rachel and Froggy, none of them expected to run into any trouble.

As they approached the ruined castle, Chris was surprised by the extent of the devastation. The last time he'd been there, he'd been in such a state of shock — between nearly drowning and then hearing that Darren had been knocked unconscious by a falling stone — that he hadn't realized how completely Sir Cooper's army had destroyed the castle. It was, unfortunately, as Rachel had predicted, a mountain of rubble.

"Oh… Where do we begin?" Darren asked.

"Let's start by finding the drawbridge," Kurt suggested. "From there, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to retrace the route we took to the room with the Mirror of True Love."

The four circled the castle, peering down into the moat. Three-quarters of the way around, they spotted the remains of the drawbridge. Darren immediately began stripping off his clothes.

"Sweetie, what are you doing?" Chris asked.

"The drawbridge is at the bottom of the moat, so we're obviously going to have to swim across. Since I don't feel like spending the rest of the day in wet clothes, I'm gonna leave mine here."

Kurt and Blaine obviously saw the wisdom in this, as they both began stripping as well. Chris hesitated for a moment, and then followed suit.

When all four were naked, Blaine pulled a couple of towels from their pack. "We each brought a towel to use to collect pieces of the mirror. I think we should leave two of them here with our clothes so we can dry off once we get back," he suggested.

The others nodded their agreement.

Blaine then rummaged around some more in the pack before bringing out a small whisk broom, a dustpan, and the thick leather purse Rachel had given them.

"Everyone pick something to carry across the moat. The towels can get wet, since we'll want them damp to wipe up the mirror shards anyway, but I think it's best if we try to keep the rest of this stuff as dry as we can."

Darren grabbed the towels, Chris took the broom, and Kurt chose the dustpan, leaving Blaine holding Rachel's purse.

With a rebel yell, Darren cannonballed into the moat. A moment later, as his head broke the surface, he let out a high-pitched shriek that even Chris didn't think he could match. "Oh my god! This water is fucking _freezing!_ "

Darren flailed his way across the moat as quickly as he could and hauled himself out on the other side, where he lay gasping and shivering. Chris suddenly remembered that the last time he'd been in this moat, he'd ended up with hypothermia.

"Come on," Kurt said bracingly. "We can do this. We'll keep our heads out of the water, so we won't lose as much body heat."

Reluctantly, the remaining three lowered themselves into the icy water. It was difficult to swim while holding the whisk broom, dustpan, and purse aloft, but eventually they all made it across the moat.

"In hindsight, it would have been a good idea to try to keep the towels dry," Chris said ruefully.

Darren snapped one of the wet towels at his ass, missing by inches. Chris snatched up the other wet towel and retaliated. Soon the two were chasing each other around the grassy bank in front of the ruined castle, wielding their makeshift weapons with lots of flair but no actual contact.

Both men were squealing and giggling like little kids as they dodged this way and that. Eventually, Darren doubled over with laughter, unable to run anymore. Chris took the opportunity to hit him with a flying tackle, and the two rolled over and over in the grass before coming to rest with Chris on top, gazing down into Darren's wide eyes.

Chris was suddenly aware of every molecule of his skin where it was pressed up against his boyfriend's naked body. He felt himself beginning to grow hard, and Darren's answering reaction. His eyes slid to Darren's softly parted lips. Without thinking, he began to lower his head.

"Well, that's one way to warm up," Kurt said, breaking the moment.

Chris jerked his head back just in time. He scrambled to his feet, hastily wrapping one of the wet towels around his waist before reaching down to help Darren up. Darren slung the other towel casually over his shoulder.

"Um, Dare," Chris said, casting a significant look toward his boyfriend's obvious erection, "you might want to reposition that towel."

"What's the big deal? We're all guys. It happens. There's no sin in it. It's perfectly natural."

"Yeah, but not everything that's perfectly natural needs to be seen in public. I think you're making our friends uncomfortable."

Darren turned to Kurt and Blaine. "You're not uncomfortable with the fact that I'm turned on by my boyfriend, are you? I mean, look at him. He's hot, right?"

Kurt and Blaine glanced at each other, then at Chris, clearly unsure of the correct answer.

"Darren, I'm about to drown you in that moat!" Chris snapped. "This situation is hard enough without — "

The rest of Chris's statement was cut off by a chorus of snorts and guffaws from the other three. He spluttered indignantly for a few moments before giving in and joining the laughter.

 **End Notes:** Since this story is set during the summer of 2012, any apparent references to the Bastille song "Pompeii" are purely coincidental. ;D


	16. The Sea Witch

**16\. The Sea Witch**

 _In which things get a little wet and wild…_

 _(Possible tw: references to Cory at the very end of the chapter)_

"How did it go?" Froggy asked, when Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine returned to the flying ship.

"Fine," Chris answered, with a quelling look at the others. "Our trip was completely uneventful."

"Did you get the mirror?" Rachel asked.

"Yep," Darren said proudly, holding up the purse. "All of the pieces are in here."

"Oooh - can I see?" Unique asked.

Darren opened the purse so that she could look inside.

"Wow - with that sparkle and my gold, this Wand of Wonderment is gonna have some serious bling!"

"Speaking of bling," Chris said, "we need to get the Sea Witch's jewels next."

"I hope this ship is sea-worthy," Rachel said, concern evident in her voice.

"Don't worry," Froggy said, wrapping an arm around her, "I'm sure it is."

…

The flying ship hit the water with an almighty splash, drenching everyone on board.

Darren shook his head like a wet dog. "Wow - that was better than Splash Mountain at Disneyland!" he cried.

Most of the others looked at him like he was crazy, but Chris tousled his curls affectionately. "I'm glad you're having fun, sweetie."

Rachel pointed over the side of the ship. "Look!"

Chris gazed down over the railing to see a familiar face smiling up at him. "Brittany!"

"Hello, dolphin," the Little Cheermaid called out happily. "I see you brought along some more gay sharks this time."

Darren, Kurt, and Blaine waved down at her, grinning.

Santana popped up next to Brittany and gave her a kiss. Then, catching sight of her audience, she dove back down under the water, only to reappear a moment later. She surged powerfully upwards, propelling herself completely clear of the waves.

Darren gasped. "Wow, Santana! You've got a tail!"

"No shit, Sherlock."

Brittany beamed at her girlfriend, who continued to show off her new aquatic skills. "The Fairy Godfather turned Santana into a Cheermaid, so we can be together forever."

"Wait," Froggy said, confused. "How come I turned back into a frog when the Fairy Godfather was put into a cursed sleep by the Enchantress, but Santana didn't turn back into an ordinary human?"

"Yeah," Rachel added. "And why didn't you just fall asleep when she kissed you?"

"Why is the square root of four equal to rainbows?" Brittany replied. "I guess we're just magic that way."

"Or maybe the Enchantress's curse only effects the land, not the sea," Santana said, wrapping her arms around Brittany from behind and nuzzling into her neck.

"Does that mean that Chris and I can kiss if we get in the water?" Darren asked excitedly.

Santana was quick to discourage him. "I wouldn't risk it. We don't know of any humans who've tried, and if you fell asleep in the ocean, you'd drown."

Darren visibly deflated, as did the others. They'd all gotten their hopes up for a moment.

Chris decided to change the subject. "So, Santana, how are you enjoying being a Cheermaid?"

"It's great, except for one thing… Scissoring is impossible without legs."

Rachel turned as red as her cloak and cleared her throat loudly. "We're on a mission, and we don't have time to stand around talking about, um, _that_. We need to get the Sea Witch's jewels as soon as possible."

"We can help you with that. I've got these magic scallop shells that will let you breathe underwater," Brittany said, producing four shells with seaweed straps that looked somewhat like surgical masks.

"And don't forget the fishnets," Santana reminded her.

"Oh, yeah. You'll need those, too."

Brittany dove beneath the waves and returned a moment later with four pairs of fishnet tights. "As long as you're wearing these, the het sharks guarding the Sea Witch's grotto will leave you alone."

"Just make sure not to snag them," Santana warned. "Or those sharks are gonna snag _you_."

Darren reached down and grabbed a pair of the tights. "I call one!"

Rachel gave him a curious look. "What do you mean, you call one?"

"There are only four pairs, so we can't all go. I called one for me." He reached back down and grabbed a second pair. "And I call another one, for Chris!"

Rachel shook her head in disbelief. "You think we're gonna fight over who gets to wear those trashy things and risk their lives going up against the Sea Witch? You're out of your mind! Froggy and I will stay here, thank you very much."

Froggy gave the others an apologetic look (which he seemed to be doing quite a lot of, lately) and said, "Yeah. If the four of you don't mind going, I'll stay on the ship with Red."

"No problem," Kurt said, taking the last two pairs of tights from Brittany and handing one to Blaine. "We're not worried — we've got a secret weapon."

"What sort of secret weapon?" Froggy asked.

"If we told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now, would it?" Blaine replied with a wink.

Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine stripped down to their underwear and wriggled into the fishnet tights.

Chris gave Darren an appreciative once-over. "You look like Hedwig."

"Oh my god — so do you! I saw that film when I was maybe 16, and I was like, _'This is so cool!'_ I would kill for a chance to play her on Broadway."

"You _would_ kill in that role," Chris agreed, unconsciously licking his lips.

Darren stared for a moment at Chris's mouth, then let his gaze travel slowly down his bare torso to his long, fishnet-clad legs. He took a step forward.

Brittany's voice broke the spell. "Come on, dolphins. Your carriage is waiting."

A great sea turtle, nearly twenty feet in diameter, was floating next to the ship.

"This is Lauren Zizes," Santana explained. "She'll take you to the Sea Witch."

Chris grinned at Darren. "Oh, I cannot wait to tell Ashley about this!"

Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine slid down into the water and strapped on the magic scallop shells before lying down on the sea turtle's back and gripping the ridge of her shell. Lauren swiveled her huge head around to make sure that everyone was situated properly. Then she dove down under the waves, using her massive flippers to propel herself — and her passengers — through the water at a fantastic pace.

 _"Wheee!"_ Darren called out. "I feel like we're in _Finding Nemo!_ "

"Well, if we run into Dory, I hope she doesn't mistake me for the sea monkey who owes her money," Chris laughed, caught up in the exhilaration of flying through the water.

"Now that we're away from the others, I guess we can tell you about our secret weapon," Blaine said.

"Yeah, we didn't want to say too much while we were on the ship, 'cause we didn't want to trigger another one of Red's jealous fits," Kurt added. "But I'm not sure how much you want to hear; it's kind of a long story."

"Well, I think we've got a pretty long ride ahead of us, so why don't you start at the beginning," Darren suggested.

"Okay," Kurt said. "Well, you know that Blaine and I have been on the run from the law ever since we last saw you a year ago. We had to keep moving to avoid capture. Luck was with us until about six months ago, when Rum Chocolate Soufflé came up lame. It was nothing too serious — just a stone bruise on her right front hoof — but I knew we needed to let her rest for a week or so to heal."

Blaine took up the story. "We were near a little seaside town in the Corner Kingdom at the time. The local cottage industry there is fan-making. Some of those fans are truly works of art. We managed to befriend a group of fan-girls, who helped us hide. They'd led quite sheltered lives, and were thrilled to hear tales about our adventures. But it was our love story that really caught their interest."

Kurt jumped back in. "These fan-girls sold their wares all up and down the coast. They'd just finished building a new ship, and they christened it Klaine, in our honor. They invited us to join them on their maiden voyage, while Rum Chocolate Soufflé was recuperating."

"An unexpected storm blew in," Blaine said. "It forced the ship further and further away from the coast, until we could no longer see the land. A huge wave came and swept me off the deck. Kurt grabbed onto me just as I went overboard, and we were both cast into the sea."

Chris gasped. He and Darren were both riveted by the story.

"We could hear the fan-girls wailing. They started tearing their clothes off and flinging themselves into the ocean, crying out for something to save us," Kurt continued. "And _something_ did."

The way Kurt said _"something"_ made the wet hair on the back of Chris's neck stand on end. "What do you mean, _something_?" he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"This is something that kind of grew legs of its own, and it has now become this other creature that's both amazing and crazy," Kurt said.

"It's this monstrous thing that can do big things, but it's also a little scary," Blaine added.

"Yeah. It's terrifying. You don't want to awaken it."

"Yeah, you don't want to piss it off."

"So many people sacrificed their naked selves to it."

"To the _Klainken_."

Chris and Darren exchanged a look, but before either of them could respond, Lauren Zizes surprised them by speaking.

"Hang on to your fishnets, boys," the great sea turtle said. "We're about to enter shark-infested waters."

Up ahead, Chris could see dozens of great white sharks surrounding a coral archway. Their flat, dead eyes were riveted on the four men riding the turtle. Chris held his breath, paralyzed with fear, but the fishnet tights must have been working their magic, because the sharks allowed them to pass.

The coral archway was barely wider than the sea turtle, and Lauren had to tuck her flippers against her body to fit through. Her momentum carried them along an underwater tunnel, which emptied out into a vast stone cavern. They had entered the Sea Witch's grotto.

Chris was intrigued to discover that this cave at the bottom of the ocean was filled with air. He and the others climbed off the sea turtle and stepped onto the rocky floor.

At this point in their adventure, no one was particularly surprised to find that the Sea Witch was yet another incarnation of Sue Sylvester, this time wearing a neon orange tracksuit that seemed to provide the only light in the cave. As soon as she spotted them, she let out an evil cackle.

"Well, well, well. Look what the overgrown turtle dragged in." Sue looked the four of them up and down in a manner that Chris found quite disconcerting. "Let's get you out of those tights, so I can see your jewels. I'd like to add them to my collection."

"Time to call in our secret weapon," Blaine whispered to Kurt.

Kurt opened his mouth, and Chris could not believe the sound that came out of it. Nothing he'd ever produced — not the high F in 'Defying Gravity' or even the high G in 'Not the Boy Next Door' — could compare. It was as though an entirely new scale had been created, and Kurt was hitting a high H.

Noticing the awestruck looks on Chris and Darren's faces, Blaine explained, "That's how we summon the Klainken."

"But what _is_ the Kainken?" Darren asked. "Is it like the fictional sea monster, the Kraken?"

Before Blaine could answer, an enormous iridescent tentacle reared up out of the water. It's tip was a good eight inches around, and it widened steadily to over three feet in diameter. The entire underside was covered in suction cups with vicious-looking spikes at their centers.

Darren clutched at Chris, dragging him away from the horrific sight. "Oh my god! _Oh my god!_ This is _so_ not the good kind of tentacle fic!"

Chris gave him a _'we are definitely going to talk about this later'_ look.

The massive tentacle wrapped itself around the Sea Witch and gave one mighty squeeze before dropping her limp body to the ground. Then it retreated from the cavern as quickly as it had come.

Kurt rushed forward and snatched up the Sea Witch's jewels. "Success!"

Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine climbed back aboard the sea turtle, who dove under the water, building up enough speed to carry them back through the tunnel.

Darren was giddy with relief. He began singing at the top of his lungs:

 _Ding, dong, the witch is dead!_

 _Which old witch?_

 _The Wicked Witch!_

 _Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is dead!_

As he sang, Darren kicked his legs about in an exuberant dance. Unfortunately, his wild flailing brought him into contact with the coral archway, tearing his fishnet tights and opening up a small gash in his thigh.

Chris looked on in horror as a drop of blood welled up and entered the water.

"Lauren, we need to get out of here!" he yelled.

The great sea turtle cleared the archway and stretched out her flippers, putting on a burst of speed. Attracted by the scent of blood in the water, and no longer repelled by Darren's ripped tights, the great white sharks gave chase.

They zoomed through the water, covering the distance back to the ship in half the time it had taken earlier. As soon as the sea turtle surfaced, Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine scrambled off her back and onto the ship.

"Thanks, Lauren!" Chris called out, as the turtle disappeared beneath the waves.

"That was a close one," Darren gasped.

"Haven't you learned anything from all of our trips to Disneyland?" Chris scolded. "Keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the ride at all times!"

Darren chuckled. "All's well that ends well, though, right?"

"It may not be over yet," Kurt warned. "Look!"

Hundreds of sharks were circling the ship, their fins cutting through the waves. If that wasn't disturbing enough, out on the horizon, in the direction from which they'd come, a funnel cloud seemed to be growing. And it was heading straight towards them.

"I don't think the Sea Witch is dead," Blaine said. "I think the Klaiken only knocked her unconscious, and now she's woken up."

"Uh oh," Chris said. "Froggy, can you get this thing airborne?"

"I'm on it," Froggy said, firing up the hot air balloon.

They lifted off and headed for the shore. Looking back, Chris could see the funnel cloud reach the place where the sharks had been circling. As it passed over, it pulled them up out of the water.

"Oh no!" Darren cried. "It's a _sharknado_!"

Froggy looked confused. "What's a sharknado?"

Then he did a double-take. "Oh. It's a shark tornado."

Dozens of sharks were spinning through the air around the flying ship. Froggy did his best to steer away from them, but one particularly toothy beast slashed through the fabric of the balloon. The flying ship stopped flying and began to plummet toward the earth…

 **End Notes:** Kraken/Klaiken explained by Chris and Darren: youtube dot com / watch?v=0IuEBd5suos &feature=youtu dot be&t=18s


	17. The Trouble with Troblins

**17\. The Trouble with Troblins**

 _In which there's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on…_

Chris slowly regained consciousness. The first thing he became aware of was a sense of movement through space — both forward momentum and rough jostling. He opened his eyes to flickering torchlight.

"Oh, thank heavens you're awake!" Unique cried.

Chris sat up, feeling disoriented. "What happened?"

"We crash-landed in the Troll and Goblin Territory, and these _gentlemen_ came along and said they were _rescuing_ us," Unique said sarcastically, gesturing toward the front of the cart they were in, where Chris could see the backs of two heads that he though he recognized as the troll version of Azimio and the goblin version of Jacob Ben Israel. "Rescuing, my ass! _Kidnapping_ is more like it!"

"Oh my god - the sharknado!" Chris gasped, as memories came flooding back. "Is everyone okay?"

He spun around frantically, breathing a sigh of relief as he saw Darren and the others beginning to stir behind him. Miraculously, no one seemed to be badly hurt.

Darren sat up and pulled Chris into his arms. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. A little shaken up, but fine."

They ran their hands over each other's bodies, partly checking for injuries, partly just for the reassuring touch. Behind them, Kurt and Blaine were doing the same, as were Froggy and Red. Roary bounced from couple to couple, licking everyone indiscriminately.

The cart they were in descended through a stone tunnel until it reached the dungeon in which Chris and Darren had been imprisoned on their previous visit. However, the place seemed to have been remodeled in their absence. Instead of a row of bare, individual cells, there was now one large space, with stone furniture lining the walls.

"Here's where you get out," Azimio growled.

"But don't get too comfy," Jacob warned. "We'll be back for you soon."

Chris and Darren scrambled out of the cart. Kurt and Blaine hoisted Unique over the side and passed her down into their waiting arms. Once they set her safely on the floor, Darren reached back up to take Roary from Rachel. As the other four dropped down to join them, Chris was glad to see that Froggy still had the bag with all of the items they'd collected for the Wand of Wonderment slung over his shoulder.

As soon as everyone was out of the cart, Azimio and Jacob drove away, slamming the stone gate shut behind them. The loud clang must have woken up the only other prisoner in the dungeon, because a figure slowly rose from the stone bed in the darkest corner of the room.

"Zach?!" Chris cried, catching sight of the last person on earth (or wherever this was) that he expected to see.

"Chris? Darren? Oh, thank god! Please say you're here to rescue me."

"Um…sure…" Darren said unconvincingly. "But how did you even get here?"

"I don't really know. That Mother Goose character waved her flask, and some kind of wormhole opened up and sucked you guys through. She waved it again, and Burt stepped into the next wormhole. And then she waved the flask one more time, and before I knew what was happening, she'd pinched my ass and made me jump right into the third wormhole. I landed in some sort of creepy woods, and before I'd taken a dozen steps, I walked right into a trap. The Troblins found me, and brought me here."

"Troblins?"

"Yeah, apparently that's what the trolls and goblins are calling themselves these days. They brought me to Queen Trollbecky, and once she found out I was a choreographer, she insisted that I stay here forever as her _'guest'_ and teach those monsters how to dance. God - they're even worse than you were during the pilot of Glee. And that's saying something!"

Chris chose to ignore the insult (which he knew he deserved) in favor of figuring out what was going on. "Did you say _Queen_ Trollbecky? What happened to King Karofsky and King Sebastian?"

"The gossip around here is that they were having a torrid affair, and they ended up running off together to live in the _I'll Show You Mine_ with a couple of dwarves called Slutty and Fancy."

Darren snorted. "Oh, that's perfect! Those two deserve each other."

"So Trollbecky is the queen now?" Chris asked.

"Yeah. And you'll never guess who she's got as her consort — _Stoner Brett!_ Between the fact that these troblins all have two left feet, and the fact that everyone here is now high literally _all the time_ , it is a _nightmare_ trying to choreograph anything, let me tell you."

Rachel, clearly tired of being ignored, piped up loudly. "Excuse me, but has everyone here forgotten their manners? Introductions should be made, and as _I_ am the only royal present, _I_ should be introduced first."

Chris rushed to smooth things over. "Forgive me, Queen Red. I'd like you to meet my friend, Zach. Zach, this is Queen Red Riding Hood."

Chris could see the wheels in Zach's head spinning as he did a double-take, and then a triple-take, as he recognized the young woman in front of him first as Lea Michele, then Rachel Berry, and finally Queen Red Riding Hood.

"Pleased to meet you, Your Highness," he said, bowing chivalrously.

Rachel, instantly charmed, curtsied back.

"And here are Kurt, Blaine, Froggy, Unique, and Roary," Chris added, finishing the introductions.

Zach greeted the human members of their party enthusiastically, visibly steeled himself as he shook hands with the towering frog-man, told Unique she looked fabulous, and cooed over the excited wolf cub.

"Now that you're all here, I might have a plan to get us out of this place," Zach said. "Who's up for a little singing and dancing?"

…

When Azimio and Jacob Ben Israel showed up again three hours later, Zach and the others were ready to put their plan into motion. "My friends and I have prepared a special performance for Queen Trollbecky," Zach told their captors. "And all of the troblins are invited to watch."

Azimio just grunted, but Jacob's bloodshot eyes seemed to light up for a moment as he leered at Rachel.

The troblins escorted their prisoners out of the dungeon, through a winding tunnel, and into a vast, torchlit cavern filled with trolls and goblins. At the center of the cavern, Queen Trollbecky and Stoner Brett sat atop a dais on their stone thrones. While Azimio stayed behind to guard the captives, Jacob scurried over to the queen and whispered in her ear.

Trollbecky rose and banged a great stone gong. "Attention, troblins!" she called. "We've got some real dancers here tonight, and I want you all to watch closely and learn their moves. Let the show begin!" And with that, she struck the gong once more.

Azimio herded the conscripted performers across the room to a raised stone stage. Froggy placed Unique on one corner of the platform, and he and Rachel stood behind her. Chris, Darren, Kurt, Blaine, and Zach positioned themselves in the center of the stage.

A hush fell over the assembled troblins as Unique began to play a tune one would never associate with a harp — magical or otherwise. She, Rachel, and Froggy began to sing:

 _Everybody, get on the floor, let's dance_

 _Don't fight your feelings, give yourself a chance_

 _Shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

 _Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

Every eye in the cavern was riveted on the five dancers — four of whom were still clothed in nothing but fishnet tights — as they gyrated to the beat.

 _You can, you can do it very well_

 _You're the best in the world, I can tell_

 _Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

 _Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

 _Shake shake, shake shake_

 _Shake shake, shake shake_

The troblins were mesmerized by Chris and Kurt, with their swiveling hips, and Darren and Blaine, with their jiggling asses.

 _Shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

 _Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake_

 _Shake your booty, shake your booty_

Soon every troblin had fallen into a hypnotic trance, staring raptly at the dancers.

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _Don't fight the feeling_

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _Give yourself a chance_

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _You can do it, do it_

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _Come home with momma now_

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _Shake shake, shake shake, shake your booty_

 _Run down to sister_

 _Shake shake, come on_

 _Shake shake, come on_

 _Your booty, do your duty_

 _Shake shake, come on_

 _Shake shake, come on_

 _SHAKE!_

On the final beat, Chris, Darren, Kurt, Blaine, and Zach each executed a perfectly synchronized pelvic thrust that knocked every last troblin to the floor in a stupor.

Zach grinned at the others triumphantly. "I knew we could do it! You've come a helluva long way since the pilot. Come on — let's make our escape!"

 **End Notes:** Here's a link to Chris Colfer discussing the extra dwarves, Slutty and Fancy (starting around 2:00 in). Just take out the spaces and replace the word 'dot' with an actual dot. www dot people dot com / people/ videos/ 0,,20834029,00 dot html


	18. Beauty Isn't Skin Deep

**18\. Beauty Isn't Skin Deep**

 _In which we meet some not-so-heavenly ghosts…_

It was a giggly group that emerged from the underground tunnel into the starlit night.

"Oh, that is the most fun I've had in years!" Unique enthused.

"I always knew my voice could shatter glass," Rachel bragged, "but I never dreamed I could use it to knock out trolls and goblins."

Kurt rolled his eyes at her. "Don't try to take all the credit. You couldn't have done it without a few fishnet-clad dancers."

"Speaking of which," Zach said, "do I dare to ask why the four of you are dressed — or, should I say, mostly _undressed_ — like that?"

Chris and Darren filled him in on their adventures in the fairy tale world.

"So, let me get this gayly clear…"

(Noticing Darren's puzzled look at their friend's unusual turn of phrase, Chris whispered to him, "Well, you can't expect Zach to get anything _straight_ , now, can you?")

"…in order to rescue Ryan — who happens to be the Fairy Godfather — and free the Land of Stories from this curse that makes people fall asleep forever if they kiss, we have to build a Wand of Wonderment that will make us invincible? And the only item left to complete the wand is the Enchantress's most prized possession?"

"Yep — that's it in a nutshell," Darren agreed.

"Cool. So what _is_ the Enchantress's most prized possession?"

"Well, we don't exactly know," Chris admitted.

"But I'm sure we'll figure it out," Darren said confidently.

"Well, until you do, at least I'm not being held captive in an underground dungeon, forced to choreograph dances for trolls and goblins, anymore," Zach said. "So that's a win."

Unique, who was the only one of them who had remained conscious when the flying ship went down, had been guiding the group from her perch atop Kurt's and Blaine's shoulders. "Look!" she called out. "There's the ship."

As they approached the wreckage, it was obvious to everyone that the ship would never fly again. The fabric of the balloon was in tatters, and the hull had been smashed to kindling.

"Oh my," Rachel cried. "What a complete disaster we have! So many of my beautiful things were on that ship!"

Froggy wrapped a comforting arm around her. "Don't worry. The trunks you packed were very sturdy. We should be able to salvage most of your belongings."

"Blaine and I can easily fashion a tent from this fabric," Kurt said.

"And there's plenty of wood here, already chopped up, to make a bonfire," Darren added enthusiastically.

"Oooh, I'll play campfire songs!" Unique offered.

Soon the entire group was gathered around a roaring fire, singing one song after another. Apparently, Unique knew all of the music from the first three seasons of Glee — as did the rest of the company — so they had plenty of tunes to choose from. Even little Roary joined in, howling along in his baby-wolf treble.

About an hour into the festivities, Chris excused himself to go and answer nature's call. He returned with an odd look on his face, and leaned over to whisper in Darren's ear, "Follow me without anybody noticing. I need to see you alone."

Chris melted back into the shadows, and a minute later Darren slipped away after him, grinning widely.

As soon as they were out of sight and earshot of the others, Darren pulled Chris to a stop. "So, did you finally break down and decide that having our first time be in another dimension will make it special enough, even if we can't kiss?" he asked teasingly.

Chris raised one eyebrow. "Um, no. When I came out here to pee, I think I saw a ghost. I didn't want everyone else freaking out, so I thought the two of us should check it out alone."

"I'll have you know, though, that we're not actually alone if there are ghosts around. So you've cock-teased me a little bit with the promise of _'alone time'_ and instead given me the sequel to _Ghostbusters_."

Chris chuckled. "But you love _Ghostbusters_."

"I know, I know. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. So, where is this ghost?"

"When I saw her, she was moving in the direction of those boulders."

Chris and Darren made their way over to the large cluster of rocks. Squeezing through a gap between a couple of the boulders, they found themselves in a ring of stones, open to the night sky. In the center of the circle, glimmering faintly in the starlight, were two ghostly figures.

Darren grabbed Chris's arm. "That's the ghost I saw before!" he hissed. "NeNe Leakes, or Roz Washington."

"And the other one looks like Terri Schuester," Chris whispered back.

They cautiously approached the women.

"Well, it took you boys long enough to get here," the ghost that looked like Roz Washington snapped. "I've got some important information for you two, and this is one of the only places on this plane where I can speak."

"Important information?"

"That's what I said, isn't it? You boys are trying to stop the Enchantress, right? Well, I've met her, and that bitch is cray-cray. She kept referring to herself in the third person as Original Recipe Sue, and she tried calling me Black Sue. I ain't no Black Sue. I'm Black _Beauty_. I may have been married to a Beast, but I've never seen a creature as hideous as that Enchantress. Plus, she's older than dirt. She was born long before I was, and I've been dead for a hundred years. So what's she doing still alive? Something ain't right, if you ask me."

"Do you know what she considers to be her most prized possession?" Chris asked hopefully.

"Oh, yeah. She kept going on and on about how all of her power stems from the pants of her tracksuit."

"Oh, that makes sense," Darren said. "In every incarnation, that woman is _obsessed_ with her tracksuit."

"That's not all she's obsessed with," Roz warned them. "Hag Terri, here, was just telling me what that witch is really up to."

The other ghost glided forward. "The Enchantress wants absolute power over both our world and yours. And I'm ashamed to admit that I told her how to get it. She flattered me, called me her little Honey Badger, and tricked me into telling her the secret."

"Oh no!" Chris cried. "What is it that she's planning to do?"

"In order to conquer this world and gain access to the otherworld," Hag Terri explained, "the Enchantress needs to subjugate the rulers of every kingdom here, plus the co-creators."

"Co-creators?" Darren repeated.

"The Fairy Godfather and Chris. She's already taken out the Fairy Godfather. So it's up to Chris to keep her from reaching your world."

"But how is she planning to subjugate us all?" Chris asked.

"With the curse, of course. If you and all of the rulers give in to the temptation to kiss your loved ones, you'll fall into an unbreakable sleep, just like the Fairy Godfather did. Then the Enchantress will have absolute power over this world, and the ability to travel to your world. Once she's crossed over to your world, where magic no longer exists, there will be nothing capable of stopping her."

"We can't let that happen!" Darren cried.

"We won't," Chris reassured him. "Now that we know what the Enchantress's most prized possession is, we can complete the Wand of Wonderment, which will make us invincible."

"We'd better go tell the others."

"Yeah," Chris agreed.

Thanking the ghosts, Chris and Darren slipped out through the gap in the boulders and began walking back toward the campsite.

"Now that we know how much is at stake, maybe we'd better stay away from each other, to avoid temptation," Chris suggested. "Just until we defeat the Enchantress."

"No!" Darren shouted. Then he began to sing:

 _There ain't no reason you and me should be alone_

 _Tonight, yeah, baby! Tonight, yeah, baby!_

 _And I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight, tonight_

 _I need a man that thinks it's right when it's so wrong_

 _Tonight, yeah, baby! Tonight, yeah, baby!_

 _Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight_

 _It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous_

 _I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you_

 _Where we can both fall far in love_

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth_

 _Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,_

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge with you._

 _Another shot before we kiss the other side_

 _Tonight, yeah, baby! Tonight, yeah, baby!_

 _I'm on the edge of something final we call life tonight_

 _Alright! Alright!_

 _Put on your shades, 'cause I'll be dancing in the flames_

 _Tonight, yeah, baby! Tonight, yeah, baby!_

 _It isn't hell if everybody knows my name tonight_

 _Alright! Alright!_

 _It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous_

 _I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you_

 _Where we can both fall far in love_

Chris joined in on the next chorus:

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth_

 _Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,_

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge with you._

 _I'm on the edge with you_

 _I'm on the edge with you_

 _You, you, you..._

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth_

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,_

 _I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you_

 _I'm on the edge with you, with you, with you, with you, with you, with you…_

"I know Lady Gaga's got her own story about the meaning of those lyrics," Darren said, "but to me _'the edge of glory'_ always sounds like that moment right before you come. Like, it's the perfect orgasm delay song."

Chris let out a bark of laughter.

Darren continued, "Don't get me wrong — I like a good build-up as much as the next guy — but I am gonna be _so_ fucking glad when we finally break this curse!"

 **End Notes:** Did you catch the scene in this chapter inspired by one of Darren's Hedwig stage door interactions? Here it is: Darren talking about being cock-teased: darrencrissnews dot com /post/120240083819/scottsblaine-youve-cockteased-with-a-beer

 **Please review. :D**


	19. Jar of Hearts

**19\. Jar of Hearts**

 _In which we finally meet the Enchantress herself…_

When Chris and Darren returned to the campfire hand-in-hand, they were greeted by a loud wolf-whistle from Zach.

"Soooo… What have you two been up to?" he teased.

"Not what you're thinking," Darren said ruefully.

"But we did find out what the Enchantress's most prized possession is — the pants of her tracksuit."

"That's great!" said Froggy. "Now we know how to complete the Wand of Wonderment!"

"But we also found out something else, and this one's not so great," Darren told them. "The Enchantress is trying to take over both of our worlds, by putting all of the rulers of this world, plus Chris, here, to sleep forever. Then she'll be able to travel into our world and take over there, too."

"That's terrible!"

"I know. So until we can end this curse, we all have to be super careful to avoid kissing at all costs," Chris said.

There was a collective sigh from the group.

"I think we should all turn in now," suggested Rachel. "After we've had a good night's sleep, maybe we'll be able to figure out how to get the pants from the Enchantress's tracksuit."

There were murmurs of agreement all around, and soon everyone was hunkered down under the makeshift tent that Kurt and Blaine had fashioned from the remains of the hot air balloon.

"This is like a slumber party," Darren whispered to Chris, as they snuggled together between Zach on one side and Kurt and Blaine on the other.

"Too bad we don't have any of Red's feather pillows," Chris whispered back, "or we could have a classic slumber party pillow fight."

Darren giggled. Then he rolled onto his back and patted his chest. "Here. You can't use me to hit anyone, but I'll be your pillow."

Chris cuddled closer, laying his head over Darren's heart. The last thing he thought, before drifting off to sleep, was how desperately he longed to be able to kiss his boyfriend.

…

The sound of hoofbeats and a ringing neigh woke them the following morning.

"Rum Chocolate Soufflé!" Kurt cried. "And Adrenaline. What are you two doing here?"

The two horses were soon followed by a third — this one with a rider on his back.

"It's Sir Cooper!" Darren exclaimed, grinning.

The commander of Queen Snow White's Royal Guard reined his horse to a sliding stop inches away from the tent. The groggy occupants stumbled out to greet him.

As soon as she recognized their visitor, Rachel went into full monarch mode. "Sir Cooper, have you come with an official missive for me from my fellow rulers?"

"Yes, Your Majesty," Sir Cooper answered self-importantly. "I've ridden like the wind, all through the day, following this mare, as golden as the sun" (here he pointed dramatically toward Rum Chocolate Soufflé) "and all through the night, following this stallion" (with an equally dramatic sweep of his arm toward Adrenaline) "as black as the — well, as black as the night itself, bearing news for the Queen of the Red Riding Hood Kingdom."

Sir Cooper paused for breath, and the others looked at him expectantly.

"Well?" Rachel demanded. "What _is_ this news?"

"Oh, most grave tidings, indeed," Sir Cooper intoned. "One of the esteemed members of the Warbler Council, Warbler Thad, has fallen victim to the Enchantress's curse."

"But how could that happen?" Froggy asked. "Surely warnings about the curse reached the Warbler Kingdom weeks ago. And Warbler Thad doesn't even have a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. So who kissed him?"

"Oh, it's a tragic tale of youthful exuberance gone wrong," Sir Cooper replied with a gleam in his eyes. "Warbler Thad and Warbler Trent were picnicking together when they happened to notice a stray dog licking itself. Warbler Trent made a joking comment about wishing he was flexible enough to do that, and Warbler Thad boasted that he bet _he_ could. Well, the next thing you know, Warbler Thad had stripped off his pants, curled his back, and proceeded to… um… well, I'd better not say, with ladies present."

Rachel gasped. _"No!"_

"I'm afraid to say that it's true. And apparently, the curse is also activated by giving _oneself_ a kiss of an… um… _intimate_ nature."

"Wow!" Darren said, speaking for all of the men there.

Rachel drew herself up to her full (though diminutive) height. "Sir Cooper!" she said severely, "I hope that you haven't come here simply to share this scandalous story. Do you have an actual _message_ for me?"

"Yes, of course, Your Majesty. Please forgive me. The remaining members of the Warbler Council have summoned all of the rulers of the other kingdoms to a summit meeting to discuss how to defeat the Enchantress and end this curse. A regiment of my army is following right behind me, and they should be arriving shortly with several fine carriages, so that we may escort you to the Warbler Kingdom in style."

…

The Warbler Kingdom was only a few hours away by carriage. It was a pleasant ride through the magical landscape. Zach — the only member of the party who had never been there before — was giddy with delight as he pointed out each new wonder they passed.

"Have you ever seen such beautiful flowers?"

"Look! The water in that stream is actually sparkling!"

"Wow! Are those _unicorns_?"

"Hey! What are Heather and Naya doing here?"

Chris, who had been only half-listening as he dozed in Darren's arms, startled fully awake at Zach's last exclamation. He and Darren stared out of the window, confused, as their carriage drew level with the two women walking beside the path.

Darren called out to them in surprise. "Brittany? Santana? You've got legs!"

Santana gave Darren her best bitch-glare. "At the risk of repeating myself: _no shit, Sherlock_."

"But what happened?"

"The Sea Witch threw a hissy fit when she found out we'd helped you steal her jewels," Brittany explained. "And she turned us both into humans."

"We're on our way to meet with the Warbler Council," Santana told them. "We figure if we can help defeat the Enchantress and save the Fairy Godfather, then he can turn us back into Cheermaids."

"Well that's where we're headed, too. Hop in — we'll give you a ride."

…

Soon the carriages drew up in front of the Warbler Palace. Unlike an ordinary palace, this one had no walls. Instead, tall marble pillars supported a domed ceiling that was an exact replica of the one at Dalton Academy. Tiny, jewel-toned wildflowers carpeted the floor.

Chris recognized Wes, David, Nick, and Jeff, in their familiar blue blazers. The rulers of all of the other kingdoms — those who remained conscious, at least — were also gathered. Queen Quinderella and King Puck Charming were seated on a large sofa next to Queen Snow White and King Sam. Across from them, Will (the Evil Queen's former huntsman) sat next to Queen Emmapunzel, who was looking with distaste at Stoner Brett and Queen Trollbecky. Mother Goose perched alone on a large armchair, leering at Zach.

Wes banged his ever-present gavel. "Now that the representatives from the Red Riding Hood Kingdom and Cheermaid Bay have arrived, I call this meeting to order. Please be seated."

The moment that Chris, Darren, and the others sat down, there was a loud **_POP_** accompanied by a puff of violet smoke. As the smoke cleared, it revealed a platform that had magically appeared in the center of the room. Upon the platform stood the Enchantress — Sue Sylvester, in all of her purple-tracksuit-ed glory. Six bodies lay still at her feet: Queen Sleeping Tina, King Mike, Princess Beth, the Fairy Godfather, Warbler Thad, and a woman who looked suspiciously like Gwyneth Paltrow/Holly Holiday, but whom Chris assumed to be the Elf Empress he'd been planning to include in a future book.

" _Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!_ " Sue laughed, sounding like a conglomeration of every cliché supervillian in history. She held up a large glass jar. "Do you know what I have here?"

Chris stared in horror at the pulsing contents of the jar — six beating hearts, one clearly belonging to a very young child. Utter silence filled the Warbler Palace, as everyone sat frozen in shock.

Suddenly Rachel broke the spell, surging to her feet and belting out a song as only she could:

 _Who do you think you are?_

 _Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

 _Collecting your jar of hearts_

 _And tearing love apart_

 _You're gonna catch a cold_

 _From the ice inside your soul_

 _So don't come back for me_

 _Who do you think you are?_

 _I hear you're asking all around_

 _If I am anywhere to be found_

 _But I have grown too strong_

 _To ever fall back in your arms_

 _And I've learned to live half alive_

 _And now you want me one more time_

 _And who do you think you are?_

 _Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

 _Collecting your jar of hearts_

 _And tearing love apart_

 _You're gonna catch a cold_

 _From the ice inside your soul_

 _So don't come back for me_

 _Who do you think you are?_

 _And who do you think you are?_

 _Runnin' 'round leaving scars_

 _Collecting your jar of hearts_

 _Tearing love apart_

 _You're gonna catch a cold_

 _From the ice inside your soul_

 _Don't come back for me_

 _Don't come back at all_

 _Who do you think you are?_

 _Who do you think you are?_

 _Who do you think you are?_

 **End Notes:** If you thought the fate of Warbler Thad was unrealistic, check out the Wikipedia article on autofellatio. But be forewarned — it contains a very NSFW/NC-17 photo.

This story will soon be reaching its climax. But will any of our heroes be doing the same? There are only three chapters left. Stay tuned to find out…


	20. Worse Than Being Stuck in an Elevator

**20\. Worse Than Being Stuck in an Elevator**

 _In which our heroes begin to fall, two by two…_

The final line of Rachel's song hung in the air:

 _Who do you think you are?_

Sue's eyes glowed with a mad fire as she answered, "I'm your worst nightmare, little girl."

The Enchantress waved her wand, and vines sprung up out of the ground. They grew rapidly, twining around the marble pillars that supported the domed ceiling of the palace, and then reaching out between the columns until they joined together to create living walls of foliage. Soon, large purple buds began to appear all along the vines.

Sue gave a maniacal chuckle as she gazed around at her handiwork. "In just a moment, those flowers will open. And when they do, they'll spill their pollen into the air. And do you know what will happen next?"

"Those of us with seasonal allergies will start to sneeze?" Zach asked.

"No, you fool! Or, maybe you will, but that doesn't matter. The pollen of those flowers contains a powerful aphrodisiac. Anyone who breathes it in will be powerless to resist. Soon, you'll all be kissing. And then you'll sleep forever, your bodies empty shells and your hearts still beating futilely inside my jar. _And I will rule the world!_ "

Sue's cackle was still ringing through the palace as the blossoms began to burst open, filling the air with an intoxicating fragrance and a heady cloud of pollen.

Mother Goose took a single breath before lunging across the room, grabbing Zach, and kissing him senseless. Literally. The two fell unconscious to the floor, and their hearts magically appeared inside Sue's jar. The Enchantress let out a roar of triumph.

The shocked gasps from around the room only caused the others to breathe in more of the lust-inducing pollen.

"We have to control ourselves," Chris urged. "I know it's hard, but we can't let her win."

"You think this is hard?" the Enchantress sneered. "Try turning yourself into evil sextuplets. Now _that's_ hard."

"Everyone stop saying _hard_ ," Darren moaned.

"Oh, it's only going to get harder," the Enchantress taunted. "Now those two" (she gestured dismissively toward the bodies of Zach and Mother Goose) "don't really count. I wanna see the rulers of some of your pathetic kingdoms kissing next. Who's it gonna be?"

Stoner Brett — pupils even more dilated than usual — grabbed Queen Trollbecky's hands and began to sing to her:

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _When you take me by the hand_

 _Tell me I'm your lovin' man_

 _When you give me all your love_

 _And do it babe the very best you can_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _When I get to be in your arms_

 _When we're all, all alone_

 _When you whisper sweet in my ear_

 _When you turn, turn me on_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

 _That's the way, aha, aha_

 _I like it, aha, aha_

He was way off key, and his voice was raspy from years of smoke inhalation, but apparently Stoner Brett's song did something for Trollbecky. She fell into his arms and gave him a big, sloppy kiss.

"Yes!" Sue crowed, as two more hearts appeared in her jar.

An odd expression came over Emmapunzel's face. "Oooh… There's something in the air… It's making me feel quite funny…"

Gazing into Will's eyes, she began to sing:

 _I made it through the wilderness_

 _Somehow I made it through_

 _Didn't know how lost I was_

 _Until I found you_

 _I was beat, incomplete_

 _I'd been had, I was sad and blue_

 _But you made me feel_

 _Yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new_

 _Like a virgin_

 _Touched for the very first time_

 _Like a virgin_

 _When your heart beats_

 _Next to mine_

 _Gonna give you all my love, boy_

 _My fear is fading fast_

 _Been saving it all for you_

 _'Cause only love can last_

 _You're so fine and you're mine_

 _Make me strong, yeah, you make me bold_

 _Oh, your love thawed out_

 _Yeah, your love thawed out_

 _What was getting cold_

 _Like a virgin, hey_

 _Touched for the very first time_

 _Like a virgin_

 _With your heartbeat_

 _Next to mine_

 _You're so fine and you're mine_

 _I'll be yours 'til the end of time_

 _'Cause you made me feel_

 _Yeah, you made me feel_

 _I've nothing to hide_

 _Like a virgin_

 _Touched for the very first time_

 _Like a virgin_

 _With your heartbeat_

 _Next to mine_

 _Like a virgin, like a virgin_

 _Feels so good inside_

 _When you hug me_

 _And your heart beats_

 _And you love me_

"I know it's highly unsanitary," Emmapunzel admitted, "but I just can't resist."

And with that, she kissed Will full on the lips.

"Stop! Stop!" Chris cried, wild-eyed with desire, but still determined to be the voice of reason. "We have to hold out! We can't let the Enchantress take any more of our hearts!"

"He's right," Queen Snow White (also known as Mercedes) said. "We have to protect our hearts — and our kingdoms."

She turned to King Sam and began to sing:

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

Sam immediately joined in to make it a duet:

 _I couldn't if I tried_

 _Oh, Honey if I get restless_

 _Baby you're not that kind_

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

 _You take the weight off of me_

 _Oh, Honey when you knock on my door_

 _Ooh I gave you my key_

 _Ooh Ooh_

 _Nobody knows it_

 _When I was down_

 _I was your clown_

 _Ooh ooh_

 _Nobody knows it_

 _Right from the start_

 _I gave you my heart_

 _Ohhhhhhh Ho_

 _I gave you my heart_

 _So don't go breaking my heart_

 _I won't go breaking your heart_

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

 _And nobody told us_

 _Cause nobody showed us_

 _And now it's up to us babe_

 _Ooh, I think we can make it_

 _So don't misunderstand me_

 _You put the light in my life_

 _You put the sparks to the flame_

 _I've got your heart in my sights_

 _Ohh Ohh_

 _Nobody knows it_

 _But when I was down_

 _Ooh Ohh_

 _I was your clown_

 _Nobody knows it_

 _Right from the start_

 _I gave you my heart_

 _Ohhhhh Ho_

 _I gave you my heart_

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

 _I won't go breaking your heart_

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

 _I won't go breaking your heart_

 _Don't go breaking my heart_

 _Don't go breaking my, don't go breaking my.._

As though magnetically drawn together, their lips finally touched. Despite the words of their song, Queen Snow White and King Sam had become the next victims of the Enchantress's curse. Their hearts joined the others in her jar.

"This is turning into a little too much of a het-fest for me," Santana announced. "What do you say we show these losers some lady loving?"

Brittany smiled beatifically at her as she began to sing:

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever makes me happy sets you free_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms, yeah, c'mon_

 _I wanna thank you for givin' me time to breathe_

 _Like a rock, you waited so patiently_

 _While I got it together, while I figured it out_

 _I only looked, but I never touched_

 _'Cause in my heart was a picture of us_

 _Holdin' hands, makin' plans_

 _And it's lucky for me you understand_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever makes me happy sets you free_

 _And I'm thankin' you for knowin' exactly_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms_

 _And I'm thankin' you for bein' there for me_

 _A weaker woman might have walked away_

 _But you had faith strong enough_

 _To move over and give me space_

 _While I got it together, yeah, while I figured it out_

 _They say, if you love somethin', let it go_

 _If it comes back, it's yours and that's how you know_

 _It's for keeps, yeah, it's for sure_

 _And you're ready and willin' to give me more than_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever makes me happy sets you free_

 _And I'm thankin' you for givin' it to me_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms_

 _And I'm thankin' you for bein' there for me_

 _Oh baby, oh darlin', I thank you, thank you, oh yeah_

 _I found me somebody sensitive and tough_

 _Somebody down when the goin' gets rough_

 _Every night you'll be givin' your love_

 _To just warm down, warm down, warm_

 _Somebody cool, somebody tender too_

 _Somebody, baby, just like you_

 _Can keep me hangin' around_

 _With the one who always knew_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever makes me happy sets you free_

 _Ooh, I'm thankin' you for bein' there for me_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms_

 _Is what I need_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever makes me happy sets you free_

 _And I'm thankin' you for givin' it to me_

 _What a girl wants, what a girl needs_

 _Whatever keeps me in your arms_

 _And I'm thankin' you for bein' there_

 _What you got is what I need_

 _All that you want_

 _What I want, oh yeah_

 _Oh baby, oh darlin', I thank you_

 _Thank you for givin' me what I need_

 _And for what I want, oh yeah_

"Who cares if kissing makes us fall asleep forever?" Brittany asked. "I love sleeping with you."

"Me too, Brit-Brit," Santana said, and gave her a toe-curling kiss.

The Enchantress watched gleefully as two more hearts appeared in her jar. Then she held it aloft and turned her attention on Queen Quinderella. "You know, your little girl must miss you. Why don't you come and keep her company in here?"

Quinderella's eyes filled with tears as she gazed at the jar. King Puck tried to pull her away, but her eyes were riveted on the sight of Princess Beth's tiny heart.

"We have to stay strong, for her sake," King Puck told his wife. "If we can defeat the Enchantress, we can bring our daughter back to us." He turned resolutely away from the terrible sight.

Quinderella fell to her knees, clutching at her husband's retreating form. She began to sing in a broken voice:

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit lonely_

 _And you're never coming round_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit tired_

 _Of listening to the sound of my tears_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit nervous_

 _That the best of all the years have gone by_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit terrified_

 _And then I see the look in your eyes_

 _Turn around, bright eyes_

 _Every now and then I fall apart_

 _Turn around, bright eyes_

 _Every now and then I fall apart_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit restless_

 _And I dream of something wild_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit helpless_

 _And I'm lying like a child in your arms_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit angry_

 _And I know I've got to get out and cry_

 _Turn around_

 _Every now and then I get a little bit terrified_

 _But then I see the look in your eyes_

 _Turn around, bright eyes_

 _Every now and then I fall apart_

 _Turn around, bright eyes_

 _Every now and then I fall apart_

 _And I need you now tonight_

 _And I need you more than ever_

 _And if you only hold me tight_

 _We'll be holding on forever_

 _And we'll only be making it right_

 _'Cause we'll never be wrong, together_

 _We can take it to the end of the line_

 _Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time_

 _I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark_

 _We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks_

 _I really need you tonight_

 _Forever's gonna start tonight_

 _Forever's gonna start tonight_

 _Once upon a time I was falling in love_

 _But now I'm only falling apart_

 _There's nothing I can do_

 _A total eclipse of the heart_

 _Once upon a time there was light in my life_

 _But now there's only love in the dark_

 _Nothing I can say_

 _A total eclipse of the heart_

Turning around to see his wife's beseeching face, King Puck fell to his knees beside her and drew her in for a kiss. Their unconscious bodies fell to the floor as their hearts were reunited with their daughter.

Froggy let out a strangled croak. "All three of my brothers have fallen victim to the curse. I can't hold out any longer." He turned to Queen Red. "Are we in this together?"

Rachel took his frog-hands in hers and began to sing:

 _Share my life, take me for what I am_

 _'Cause I'll never change all my colors for you_

 _Take my love, I'll never ask for too much_

 _Just all that you are and everything that you do._

 _I don't really need to look very much further_

 _I don't want to have to go where you don't follow_

 _I won't hold it back again, this passion inside_

 _I can't run from myself, there's nowhere to hide_

 _Don't make me close one more door_

 _I don't wanna hurt anymore_

 _Stay in my arms if you dare_

 _Or must I imagine you there_

 _Don't walk away from me_

 _I have nothing, nothing, nothing_

 _If I don't have you, you, you, you, you_

 _You see through, right to the heart of me_

 _You break down my walls with the strength of your love_

 _I never knew love like I've known it with you_

 _Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to_

 _I don't really need to look very much further_

 _I don't want to have to go where you don't follow_

 _I won't hold it back again, this passion inside_

 _I can't run from myself, there's nowhere to hide_

 _Your love I'll remember forever_

 _Oh, don't make me close one more door_

 _I don't wanna hurt anymore_

 _Stay in my arms if you dare_

 _Or must I imagine you there_

 _Don't walk away from me_

 _I have nothing, nothing, nothing_

 _If I don't have you, you_

 _If I don't have you, oh_

Froggy and Rachel shared a somewhat slimy kiss, and then joined the growing pile of pile of bodies on the floor and the growing cluster of hearts in the jar.

"Almost there," the Enchantress gloated. "I've taken care of the Sleeping Kingdom, the Elf Empire, the Northern Kingdom, the Troll and Goblin Territory, the Corner Kingdom, Cheermaid Bay, the Charming Kingdom, and the Red Riding Hood Kingdom. Now, what about the rest of those Warbler boys? Are things getting a little too hot for them in their stuffy blazers?"

Chris looked over at the remaining members of the Warbler Council. Nick and Jeff did, indeed, look quite flushed, while Wes and David were visibly trembling as they tried to maintain control.

"Come on, boys," Sue coaxed. "You know that you want it…"

Nick was the first to snap. He grabbed Jeff's hands and began to sing:

 _I got chills, they're multiplying_

 _And I'm losing control_

 _'Cause the power, you're supplying_

 _It's electrifying!_

Jeff joined in with matching intensity:

 _You better shape up, 'cause I need a man_

 _And my heart is set on you_

 _You better shape up, you better understand_

 _To my heart I must be true_

 _Nothing left, nothing left for me to do_

The two Warblers continued their duet:

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey_

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey_

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, the one that I need_

 _Oh yes indeed_

Wes was the next to cave, gripping David's shoulders as he sang:

 _If you're filled with affection_

 _You're too shy to convey_

 _Meditate my direction_

 _Feel your way_

David was clearly _not_ too shy to convey his affection. He joined in fervidly:

 _I better shape up, 'cause you need a man_

 _I need a man who can keep me satisfied_

 _I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove_

 _You better prove that my faith is justified_

 _Are you sure?_

 _Yes I'm sure down deep inside_

The four Warblers continued in harmony:

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey_

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey_

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, the one that I need_

 _Oh yes indeed_

 _You're the one that I want_

 _You are the one I want_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey_

 _You're the one that I want_

As the song ended, the two couples kissed passionately, then crumpled to the floor.

"Twenty-two down, four to go," the Enchantress cackled. "I'll get you, my pretties — and your little wolf, too!"

 **End Notes:** Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine are the last holdouts. The tension is building. What do you think will happen next?


	21. Music Hath Charms

**21\. Music Hath Charms**

 _In which we can't figure out whether or not to root for the Enchantress, because Sue is just so evil, and yet on some level she wants the same thing we all want…_

Chris, Darren, Kurt, and Blaine sat together on a sofa, dizzy from the effects of the pollen released by the Enchantress's aphrodisiac flowers. At their feet sprawled the bodies of those who had been unable to resist the urge to kiss. And in front of them stood the Enchantress herself, clutching her nearly-full jar of hearts.

"Well, well, well," Sue intoned. "It looks like the Dwarf Forest is the only territory I have left to conquer before I rule this world completely. So, Mr. Hummelocks — and other, strangely dapper gay bandit — it seems that you two will have to be the next to kiss."

"What do you mean? We're not the kings of anything."

"Oh, you may not be kings, but you're certainly the rulers of that lawless country. Baddest of all of the badasses, and all that."

Kurt looked the Enchantress boldly in the eye. "As an outlaw, I have no country. As an outlaw, I want no country. As an outlaw, my country is the whole world."

"Noble sentiment, but it doesn't change anything."

"But it's called the Dwarf Forest," Blaine pointed out. "Surely the dwarves are the rightful rulers."

"Ha! Everyone knows those dwarves are too short and too horny and too busy running around naked all the time to be ruling over anything. Please — the _I'll Show You Mine?_ No thank you!"

She gave Kurt a disturbingly knowing look. "You're probably just about as randy as those little fuckers by now. I'll bet you can't wait to climb Blaine's long, thick beanstalk, can you?"

Kurt glanced involuntarily at Blaine's crotch, then up at his full lips. With a supreme act of will, he turned away and looked to Chris and Darren for help.

"This is killing me! How are you two managing to stay so calm?" he demanded.

"Well, considering the fact that my entire relationship with Darren up until this point has been based on unresolved sexual tension, I've had a lot of practice dealing with it," Chris said ruefully.

"And I've had my hand down my pants under cover of this decorative throw-pillow for the past twenty minutes," Darren admitted.

Chris groaned. "Not helping, Dare."

"Speak for yourself. It's helping me quite a bit."

Blaine suddenly leapt off of the sofa and cast himself down on one knee in front of Kurt. Taking his boyfriend's hands in his own, he began to sing:

 _I can't fight this feeling any longer_

 _And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow_

 _What started out as friendship_

 _Has grown stronger_

 _I only wish I had the strength to let it show_

 _I tell myself that I can't hold out forever_

 _I said there is no reason for my fear_

 _'Cause I feel so secure when we're together_

 _You give my life direction_

 _You make everything so clear_

 _And even as I wander_

 _I'm keeping you in sight_

 _You're a candle in the window_

 _On a cold, dark winter's night_

 _And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might_

 _And I can't fight this feeling anymore_

 _I've forgotten what I started fighting for_

 _It's time to bring this ship into the shore_

 _And throw away the oars, forever_

 _'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore_

 _I've forgotten what I started fighting for_

 _And if I have to crawl upon the floor_

 _Come crushing through your door_

 _Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore_

 _My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you_

 _I've been running round in circles in my mind_

 _And it always seems that I'm following you, boy_

 _'Cause you take me to the places_

 _That alone I'd never find_

 _And even as I wander_

 _I'm keeping you in sight_

 _You're a candle in the window_

 _On a cold, dark winter's night_

 _And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might_

 _And I can't fight this feeling anymore_

 _I've forgotten what I started fighting for_

 _It's time to bring this ship into the shore_

 _And throw away the oars, forever_

 _'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore_

 _I've forgotten what I started fighting for_

 _And if I have to crawl upon the floor_

 _Come crashing through your door_

 _Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore_

As the song ended, Kurt and Blaine stopped fighting the inexorable pull, and allowed themselves to sink into each other's lips.

Sue roared in triumph. "My years-long quest for power has finally borne fruit! _This world is mine!_ And soon, your world will be mine, too. Every moment you spend breathing in the pollen from my enchanted flowers, your attraction toward each other grows stronger and stronger. You're powerless against it. I don't have to do a thing. I can just sit back, relax, and bask in my own glory."

Chris was finding it increasingly difficult to focus on anything other than his desire for Darren. He looked around desperately for a way out.

"Don't even think about trying to escape. These walls of vines are as impenetrable as your tight little ass."

The Enchantress's words brought a rush of heat to Chris's face.

"Oh, don't worry, though. Darren's been planning on letting you top."

Chris glanced at his boyfriend. He and Darren hadn't yet had a chance to discuss logistics.

Darren grinned at him. "Whatever you want, baby. I'm up for anything."

"Again, _not helping_ , Dare."

"I'll bet you've got something I could help you with, though."

With a herculean effort, Chris forced his lust-addled brain into gear. "Darren, we've gotta get the pants off," he whispered.

"You're gonna let me take your pants off? Oh, thank god — _finally!_ "

"Not _my_ pants! Sue's pants. The pants of her tracksuit, remember? They're the final object we need to complete the Wand of Wonderment."

Chris watched as his boyfriend made a valiant attempt to pull himself together. "Okay, okay. But how do we do it?"

"Come on, Darren. You know you can charm the pants off of anyone. Work your magic."

Darren hesitated for a moment, and then nodded decisively. Chris watched in awe as his boyfriend flipped some sort of internal switch and sauntered over to the Enchantress.

"You know, I've always found powerful women very attractive," he purred.

Then, cranking up his charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to eleven, Darren began to sing:

 _She sits alone, waiting for suggestions_

 _He's so nervous, avoiding all the questions_

 _His lips are dry, his heart is gently pounding_

 _Don't you just know exactly what he's thinking_

 _If you want my body and you think I'm sexy_

 _Come on sugar let me know_

 _If you really need me just reach out and touch me_

 _Come on honey let me know_

 _He's acting shy, looking for an answer_

 _Come on honey, let's spend the night together_

 _Now hold on a minute, before we go much further_

 _Give me a dime so I can phone my mother_

 _They catch a cab to his high rise apartment_

 _At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant_

 _Oooh, if you want my body and you think I'm sexy_

 _Come on sugar let me know_

 _If you really need me just reach out and touch me_

 _Come on honey tell me so_

 _His heart's beating like a drum_

 _'Cause at last he's got his girl home_

 _Relax, baby, now we're all alone_

 _Oh, if you want my body and you think I'm sexy_

 _Come on sugar let me know_

 _If you really need me just reach out and touch me_

 _Come on darling tell me so_

 _Tell me so…_

 _If you want my body and you think I'm sexy_

 _Come on sugar let me know_

 _If you really need me just reach out and touch me_

 _Come on baby let me know_

 _If you want my body…_

As the final notes of the song faded away, the pants of Sue's tracksuit dropped to the floor. Roary bounded over, latched on with his little teeth, and dragged them over to Chris.

Unique, who'd been standing silently beside the sofa this whole time, nearly forgotten, now spoke up. "Quick — take the other magical objects out of the bag and bring them to me."

Chris rushed to comply. A thrumming energy surrounded them as the Snow Queen's scepter, the Wicked Stepmother's ring, the shards of glass from the Evil Queen's Mirror of True Love, and the Sea Witch's jewels fused together, and were then wrapped in swirls of gold and purple from the Magic Harp and the pants of the Enchantress's tracksuit. The Wand of Wonderment had been activated.

Darren rushed to Chris's side, and together they gripped the wand.

The Enchantress blinked slowly, as if rousing herself from a trance. She stared down at her naked legs, then lifted her eyes to Darren. She reached out one shaking hand toward him.

"I want your body…"

"Sorry, Sue. My body — and my heart — belong to Chris."

The Enchantress's features contorted with rage. "You think you can toy with me?! Get ready for the ride of your life, boys. You are about to board the Enchantress Express. Destination… **_horror!_**

Chris faced her confidently. "You have no power over us. Now that we possess the Wand of Wonderment, we're invincible."

Holding the wand tightly between them, Chris and Darren finally allowed themselves to kiss.

 **End Notes:** Just to be clear, when I said that Sue wanted the same thing we all want, I didn't mean the world domination part, I meant the watching Kurt and Blaine, Chris and Darren finally kiss part. But you knew that, right? ;)

P.S. 50 points to anyone who can name the inspiration for Kurt's "as an outlaw…" speech.


	22. Time to Say Goodbye

**22\. Time to Say Goodbye**

 _In which you never know how things might end…_

"Fireworks…" Chris murmured against Darren's lips. "There really are fireworks when we kiss."

Darren hummed his agreement.

"Not to burst your romantic bubble, or anything," Unique interjected, "but I saw that, too. And it wasn't fireworks. It was the Enchantress. The moment your lips touched, she exploded into a million sparks of colored light, and then disappeared."

Chris looked around, still somewhat dazed by the intensity of the kiss he'd just shared with Darren. The Enchantress had, indeed, vanished. The walls of vines were gone, as well, allowing sunlight to stream into the Warbler Palace. On the platform in the center of the room, the glass jar stood empty. And on the floor at their feet, the Fairy Godfather and the other victims of the Enchantress's spell were beginning to stir.

A confused babble of voices began to fill the air, as those who'd fallen asleep before being aware of the curse tried to figure out what had happened, while those who knew more about it attempted to explain the situation. The din grew louder and louder until a dramatic chord from the magic harp cut them all off.

"Everybody listen up!" Unique demanded. "Since Roary and I were the only two beings in our right minds the entire time, and since he's too young to talk, why don't you all let me tell the story."

Everyone gathered 'round as Unique, reveling in the opportunity to be the center of attention, recounted all of the events that had transpired since the Enchantress's return. As her tale reached its dramatic conclusion — with the Enchantress being defeated and her curse broken by Chris and Darren's kiss — the audience erupted into gleeful cheers.

Unique played the opening bars to a mash-up of two familiar tunes, and everyone began to sing:

 _Forget your troubles_

 _Gleeful days_

 _Come on, get gleeful_

 _Are here again_

 _You better chase all your cares away_

 _The skies above are clear again_

 _Shout hallelujah_

 _So let's sing a song_

 _Come on, get gleeful_

 _Of cheer again_

 _Get ready for the judgement day_

 _Gleeful days are here again_

 _The sun is shining_

 _Come on get gleeful_

 _Shout it now_

 _The lord is waiting to take your hand_

 _There is no one who can doubt it now_

 _Shout hallelujah_

 _So lets tell the world_

 _And just get gleeful_

 _About it now_

 _We are going to the promise land_

 _Gleeful days are here again_

 _We're heading across the river_

 _Soon your cares will all be gone_

 _There'll be no more from now on_

 _From now on_

 _Forget your troubles_

 _Oh, gleeful days_

 _And just get gleeful_

 _Are here again_

 _You better chase all your blues away_

 _The skies above are clear again_

 _Shout hallelujah_

 _So lets sing a song_

 _And just get gleeful_

 _Of cheer again_

 _Gleeful times_

 _Gleeful times_

 _Gleeful nights_

 _Gleeful nights_

 _Gleeful days are here again_

"I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade," Ryan began.

"And yet, something tells me he's gonna do it anyway," Darren muttered in Chris's ear.

"But as the Fairy Godfather, it is my duty to protect both this world and the other one. I can't bear to think of the devastation the Enchantress would have caused if she'd managed to reach the other world. And if anyone ever brought weapons from the other world here, who knows what could happen? This has been a wake up call for me, and I know what has to be done. The gateway between the worlds must be closed forever."

"Uh huh," Darren grumbled. "Sure sounds like rain to me."

"You can't mean to trap us here," Chris said, alarmed.

"Of course not. Mother Goose and I will open one final portal, so that you, Darren, and Zach can go home."

"But what about you?" Zach asked. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"I'm needed here."

"But we need you, too. What about the show?"

"I've already mapped out the remaining seasons of Glee on my computer. I trust Brad and Ian to write the scripts. Hell, Chris could even write a few if he wants."

"So you're saying we're never going to see you again?"

"Not in person, no. But you will be able to see me, and communicate with me, if you need to."

The Fairy Godfather waved his magic wand, and two small oval mirrors appeared. He handed one to Zach.

"Here — tap this mirror."

At the touch of Zach's finger, both mirrors began to shimmer. Ryan tapped his own mirror, causing his face to appear in Zach's mirror, and Zach's face in his.

"See," he said, voice coming in stereo from both Zach's mirror and his own vocal chords. "You'll still be able to contact me."

Zach gave him a wistful half-smile. "But I'll miss you."

"Yeah, yeah," Ryan said gruffly. "Me too. Come here."

He set down the mirror and hugged first Zach, then Darren, and finally Chris. "Be good," he told them.

Kurt spoke up. "So that's what the Snow Queen's prophecy meant. Of the four travelers, one will not return."

"Right," Ryan said brusquely. "Well, I've never been one for long goodbyes. Let's get this over with. Mother Goose, come and join with me in opening the portal."

The Fairy Godfather swished his wand through the air, and Mother Goose stood next to him, waving her flask. A swirling vortex of rainbow light appeared before them.

"As soon as the third person passes through this portal, the gateway between the worlds will be permanently sealed."

Zach waved as he stepped into the vortex and disappeared. Darren went next, saying a quick round of goodbyes before following Zach. Chris hesitated for a moment, looking around at all of the familiar faces.

"I hate to see you go," Mother Goose slurred, taking a swig from her flask. "Just thought you ought to know."

She reached out and pinched the Fairy Godfather's ass. Startled, Ryan jumped reflexively — directly into the vortex. The moment he disappeared through the portal, it snapped shut with a **_POP_**.

 _"Wait!"_ Chris cried, lunging forward.

But it was too late.

The gateway between the worlds had closed forever, leaving him trapped in the Land of Stories.

THE END

 _(or is it…)_

 **End Notes:** Please don't hate me! Here, have a Kurt and Rachel duet of Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again as a peace offering: www dot youtube dot com /watch?v=I7GcFVx3lJ4

Don't want things to end there? Well, here's what you can do: First, give me all the kudos, so I'll feel good about myself as a writer and keep doing it. Second, write me lots of reviews, letting me know what you'd like to see happen next. And third, wait patiently for me to create the final part of this trilogy — _The Land of Stories: A Very Gleeful Threequel_.

P.S. For anyone who's still curious from last chapter, Kurt's "As an outlaw…" speech was inspired by a quote from Virginia Woolf ("As a woman, I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.") which seemed appropriate both in its sentiment and for the fact that in the very last episode of Glee we learned that Kurt and Blaine had been starring in the first LGBTQ version of _Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?_


End file.
